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2012-01-19T14:27:00.002Z

在有生的瞬间能遇到你，竟花光所有运气，到这日才发现，曾呼吸过空气。

写得出这种词的，不管是男是女，我都愿意娶他／她。

2012-01-17T16:29:00.002Z

当现实生活很残酷时，总想躲进电影里的感动，感受那些被感动激起一波一波的涟漪，然后相信现实生活里总有一天会出现同样的感动。

不管是什么电影，什么类型，什么情节，这些感动往往都来自于［爱］。爱是隽永的。

你在煩惱什麼

2011-11-08T16:10:00.001Z

沒有不會謝的花
沒有不會退的浪
沒有不會暗的光
你在煩惱什麼嗎

沒有不會淡的疤
沒有不會好的傷
沒有不會停下來的絕望
你在憂鬱什麼啊

時間從來不回答
生命從來不喧嘩
就算只有片刻我也不害怕
是片刻組成永恆哪

片刻組成永恆哪

2011-10-02T16:55:00.007+01:00

原来三毛的声音是那么纯净！跟她的文字完全一样！

三毛珍贵录音

三毛和荷西的爱情故事是至今我听过／读过最感动的。听着她从认识的过程说到天人永隔，再想到她说的 “你用六年的时间等我，最后却连再见也不说一声就离开我”，心就揪在一块。

每每想起这一段爱情故事，心里总有说不清的惆怅。

2011-07-11T16:55:00.002+01:00

我躺在泳池旁的沙滩椅上，身旁走过一个大概3、4岁的外国男孩，打着赤膊，穿着小孩版的 Quiksilver 沙滩裤。他非常兴奋地走到泳池旁，准备跳进泳池里。但他发现他身上地沙滩裤松了，他有点不耐烦地跑向坐在离我不远的爸爸。

我看了看爸爸，同样打着赤膊，穿着沙滩裤，但身上得毛浓密得有点恐怖。左手拿着杯冰啤酒，脸上还戴了副飞行员墨镜。他小孩走了过来，爸爸把啤酒杯放下，伸手把他孩子沙滩裤的绳结给绑好，小孩很明显的不耐烦，心里肯定在埋怨这该死的沙滩裤延迟了他跳进泳池的时间。他爸给他绑好了之后，小孩没立刻走向泳池，他用疑惑的眼光望向他爸爸，用英国口音问他爸，Dad, why are you not coming with me? 爸爸有点敷衍地回答，I will join you later. 小孩接着说，Make sure you come, ok? 语气开始有点可怜。他转身走向泳池，但走了几步之后竟然调头走向他爸。他把他爸爸脸上地墨镜摘下，一边把它摺好，一边说，you don't need those. 然后转身走向泳池边，脚一腾空，然后便像只海豚般跳进水里。

他爸笑了笑，放下手中的啤酒，然后走向泳池边，插进水里，然后满脸喜悦地抱起他儿子。我看着这一切的发生，第一个念头是，这世界好美好啊！我注视这他们父子俩在水中嬉戏，心中有种幸福和快乐的感觉油然而生。

他们玩了一会儿，那小孩用手按着裤裆，大声的跟他爸说，Alright dad, I really need to go to the toilet. 天啊，这世界怎么那么美好？一切都好简单，好快乐。谢谢他们让我有一种回到小时候的感觉！

外面的世界

2011-07-02T19:27:00.003+01:00

这首歌有着很沉重的哀伤和心酸。但我怎么觉得歌词的第二句是一个错误呢？人毕竟还是独立的个体，怎么才算拥有另一个人呢？

作詞/作曲：齊秦
編曲/製作：張亞東

在很久很久以前
你擁有我　我擁有你
在很久很久以前
你離開我去遠空翱翔

外面的世界很精彩
外面的世界很無奈
當你覺得外面的世界很精彩
我會在這裡衷心的祝福你

每當夕陽西沉的時候
我總是在這裡盼望你
天空中雖然飄著雨
我依然等待你的歸期

外面的世界很精彩
外面的世界很無奈
當你覺得外面的世界很無奈
我還在這裡耐心的等著你

我依然等待你的歸期

2011-05-26T18:18:00.002+01:00

我想我遇到了所谓的迷失期／撞墙期／茫然期／不知道要做什么的过渡期。第一次觉得年轻还真是本钱，至少还能摸索一段时间。第一次深深的那种明确知道为了什么而活的艺术家／画家很幸运。

但是，至少我的生活有开心的元素，没有那么枯燥、乏味，其实是很光明的。我很感谢，同时也觉得幸运。

2011-03-05T18:40:00.002Z

分手之后还能当朋友有两种可能性：

1）你还爱着对方
2）你们根本没相爱过

义肢先生

2010-08-28T17:48:00.002+01:00

今天在泳池旁的太阳椅上发现了一个义肢。第一个念头是，天啊，好有勇气和毅力的家伙。然后戴上泳镜，潜入水里，在池里环视一周，咦，每个人都有两条腿。泳池里的人不多，我绝不可能错失了任何一位。

心想可能是泳池准备的紧急设施之一，便继续游泳。哇靠，旁边的一位先生，游得神速的快，激起的波浪只能用波涛汹涌形容，在对比下我只是在以龟速向前蠕动。算了，为了不影响他，我游到对岸就停了下来。

不对，昨晚没怎么注意到那个义肢，一定有不对劲。再观察观察吧。有一位穿这比基尼的波霸很优雅地游着，感觉不像只有一条腿的，应该不是她。我旁边那位年轻小伙子在对面停了下来，胸肌那么大，还有六块腹肌，游泳又那么快，肯定不是他。那，应该是那位老伯伯的了。再仔细看，他手里拿着浮板，身体倾向左边慢慢的向前游，姿势很不自然，没错，应该是他了。

脑子里才刚想完这一切，我旁边那位帅哥决定不烦我了，准备离开了。他灵活地手一撑，便上岸了。如果当时有CCTV拍下我的表情，我真的很想看一看。我真的被吓傻了。他的右脚应该是被锯了，只能用左脚蹦蹦跳跳地绕着泳池走去他放义肢的地方。他就是那个义肢的主人。他坐下和穿上义肢前前后后没用了多少时间，用义肢应该有一段时间了。他走去电梯的地方，按了按钮，等了一下有点不耐烦，便走楼梯下去了。我从他上岸到他背影消失于阶梯间都盯着他看，我确确实实的被雷到。

哎，在庆幸自己多么幸运及幸福之际，也不由得由衷得佩服他的一切。心中暗自盘算着他究竟他发生了什么事情，经过了多长时间才能那么豁达，回想着他刚才游泳的速度，想像着他穿着义肢还能健身。以后有什么不幸的事发生在我身上，或许只要想一想他，便能很快的释怀了。

他不愛我/吳忠明

2010-08-16T20:23:00.001+01:00

好啊!! 太感动了!

太多/陳綺貞

2010-08-05T17:21:00.001+01:00

喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡太多
在地鐵站或美術館
孤獨像睡眠一樣鍡養我

以永無止盡的墬落
需要音樂取暖
喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡太多

喜歡一個喝著紅酒的女孩
在下雨音樂奏起的時候
把她送上鐵塔給全世界的人寫明信片
像一隻鳥在最高的地方　歌聲嘹亮
喜歡一個喝著紅酒的女孩
但不能喜歡太多

喜歡一個陽光照射的角落
但不能喜歡太多
是幼稚園的小朋友
笑聲像睡眠一樣打擾我

我們輕輕的揮一揮手
凝結照片的傷口
我喜歡一個陽光照射的角落
但不能喜歡太多

喜歡一個人孤獨的時刻
但不能喜歡　太多

2010-07-22T04:25:00.002+01:00

那天在火车上，你们试图把葬礼的过程和细节用淡淡的语气描述给我听。我却突然看见爸爸苍老的双眼留下了两行泪，也许是不想让我看见，藉故跑到厕所去了。

你们问我，当你知道消息的时候，伤心吗？我怎能不伤心呢？知道了细节之后只能教我更难过，因为我只能想像你们所描述爷爷断气的画面，想着爷爷如何苦等我的电话，想着爸爸如何一边流眼泪一边替爷爷清理排泄物。我怎能不伤心呢？

感谢爷爷这么的宠我，一路以来都这么疼我。我们生命重叠的部分不多，但也足够了，因为我们拥有的回忆都是温暖的。

2010-05-23T19:49:00.003+01:00

暂时从城市生活中解脱的旅客举起手中的相机，按下快门，摄下正受困于城市生活中的我。

也许，他们也正怀念着城市生活。

我確實說　我這樣說　我不在乎結果
我對你說　我有把握　成功例子好多
人們虛假又造作　總愛得不溫不火
我們用真心就不會有差錯
我沒想過我會難過　你竟然離開我

愛沿著　拋物線
　離幸福　總降落得差一點
　流著血心跳　卻不曾被心痛消滅
　真真切切

　青春的　拋物線
　把未來　始於相遇的地點
　至高後才了解
　世上月圓月缺只是錯覺

我好想說　我只想說　我不要這後果
可是你說　相對來說　走開是種解脫
當初親密的動作　變成當下的閃躲
感情的過程出了什麼差錯
我沒想過我會難過　你終於離開我

至高後才了解　世上月圓月缺只是錯覺

2010-05-15T00:31:00.002+01:00

I am feeling weird today.

Yes, no other adjectives can describe my mood better than the word 'weird'.

Pathetic.

I cannot study and I am not sleeping.

如果你死的那天，世界同时毁灭，你会比较甘心吗？

可是，你不会不舍得吗？

如果没有你

2010-04-28T18:49:00.003+01:00

DAN19750926：又下雨了我在我們常去的咖啡廳妳呢?

这种感觉应该很不好受吧。

歌頌

2010-04-16T02:37:00.003+01:00

當人心變成市場當市場變成戰場戰場埋葬多少理想

每個孤單天亮我都一個人唱默默的讓這旋律和我心交響
就算會有一天沒人與我合唱至少在我的心中還有個尚未崩壞的地方

期待著彩虹所以開了窗窗外只有灼熱閃光
所謂的彩虹不過就是光只要心還透明就能折射希望

生命是華麗錯覺時間是賊偷走一切
七歲的那一年抓住那隻蟬以為能抓住夏天
十七歲的那年吻過他的臉就以為和他能永遠

有沒有那麼一個明天重頭活一遍讓我再次感受曾揮霍的昨天

阿信呀阿信，你也太有才了吧。創作也未免太有力量了吧。

2010-04-05T13:31:00.002+01:00

那天从超市步行回家，天色有点灰暗，街上异常的静，商店都提早打烊，人们都躲在教堂或家里庆祝复活节去了。

当我走在那条每天回家的必经之路时，有一种恐惧感忽然之间油然而生。我想起了每每这种时候，我都会很不幸的遇上一些向你讨钱的流氓。

我和良富有一晚接近凌晨1点，在这条路上，就遇上了两个流氓。我们正在谈天，然后我眼角瞄到有两个看似流氓的人朝着我们这个方向走过来，我便用手肘把良富推向另一个方向，然后一起快步走开。

怎知，其中一个流氓还是走了过来，然后伸出握有一张皱得可以得20镑钞票，问我们说 :"Do you guys have two 10-pound notes?"

我们应该有说 "No" 或之类的吧，他接下来就开始大发脾气，指着我们破口大骂: "You Chinese never give me money!" 我们开始害怕，然后赶快加紧脚步。后来我想一想，这流氓实在有够笨，问了一个问题就破梗，明白的表示他是骗钱的，也太差劲了吧。

我那时真的很想用手刀，逃跑离开现场。很衰的是，我们来到了一个路口，不得不停下来让车子开过去了才过马路。那流氓还在跟，还在重复他那一句台词，结果我很卒仔地说了一句:" We are not Chinese. " 有够卒仔吧。

我万万没想到的是，良富是这么的有种。他狰狞的向流氓大喊，"Why don't you give me 10 pounds?!!" 然后大步的穿越马路。天啊，我有那一秒是吓呆了，因为突然之间我有一种感觉，流氓要像Transformers一样变身，然后用各种武器把我们杀死。哈哈，夸张了点，只是我还是怕他突然之间拿出一把刀来把我们砍死。

我回过神，然后跟上良富的脚步。过了马路，我回过头看，幸好流氓没跟上来，松了一口气，以为没事了。只是，良富还真有种，过了马路还时不时回过头向流氓喊：GIVE ME 10 POUNDS!!! 表情和语气还是一样狰狞。

这则故事应该有帮良富加很多分吧，我想碧慧看了应该会重新爱上良富。哈哈。

有一天這些都會過去的

2010-03-23T22:42:00.000Z

有一天
這些都會過去的
想到這結果
我就欣慰

再怎麼累死人的愛
再怎麼累死人的恨
都會過去

失眠
被冤枉
塞車
太窮了
都會過去

被輕蔑
被迫說謊
被迫承認自己改變不了什麼
或者
長得不好看
都會過去

真是令人讚歎啊
生命怎麼能訂製得這麼仁慈?
又這麼冷淡?

- 蔡康永

是啊，只要想到一切都會過去，我就心安了。
不管是艱難的考試
苦悶的工作
跑步機上難熬的20分鐘
鬱悶的時候
一切一切
都會過去的

獻給最近壓力大，心情不好的朋友們－一切都會過去的！

儿歌

2010-03-17T22:25:00.000Z

小时候，婆婆时常放所谓的儿歌给我听。童年，外婆的澎湖湾，还有什么走在铁路旁，我背着guitar...

刚刚在youtube上听了童年和外婆的澎湖湾，我想起了当时一些琐碎的片断，心里有一种隐隐约约的感觉，我不知道怎么形容，但这些记忆都属于当时的我。

听歌勾起了回忆当然是好事，但我怕一旦听多了，那朦胧的回忆会逐渐的减弱，然后消失。

所以，这些歌还是应该放到Favourites里，偶尔想缅怀时拿出来听一听就好了。

Catcher in the Rye

2010-01-26T16:01:00.001Z

I wish there was a Catcher in the Rye to catch me when I was falling off the cliff.

Chapman went to New York in October 1980 planning to kill (John) Lennon.

Around 10:49 p.m., the Lennons' limousine returned to the Dakota. Lennon and Ono passed by Chapman and walked toward the archway entrance of the building's courtyard. From the street, Chapman turned and fired five hollow point bullets from a Charter Arms .38 revolver that he had purchased in Hawaii, four of which hit Lennon's back and shoulder.

Chapman remained at the scene, took out his copy of The Catcher in the Rye and read it until the police arrived.

In his statement to police three hours later, Chapman stated, "I’m sure the large part of me is Holden Caulfield, who is the main person in the book. The small part of me must be the Devil.

A friend recommended The Catcher in the Rye to Chapman, and the story eventually took on great personal significance for him, to the extent that he reportedly wished to model his life after its protagonist, Holden Caulfield.

This is eerie.

不飞的鸟

2010-01-12T14:45:00.000Z

我是一只鸟。一只特别的鸟。特别的地方在于，我害怕高度，所以我不飞翔。如果鸟的定义是会飞翔的动物，那么我就不是鸟，因为我失去了鸟存在在这世界上的意义。

我和别的鸟没什么两样，同样出生在树上的鸟窝。但是，一次毁灭性的经验令我从此害怕高度-我从鸟窝里坠落到地面上。我从此不敢张开翅膀，像其他鸟儿一样自由地徜徉在天空的怀抱里。

我不知道我为何会存在这世上，如果说世上万物都是造物者的光荣，那么我值得他光荣的地方在哪？我倒想问问他，如果他一开始就设定我是畏惧高度的，那为什么他偏偏要我是一只鸟？这些不会有答案的问题让我厌倦生活，甚至开始愤世嫉俗，所看到的一切都觉得不顺眼。

我不飞，所以我只能走路。我一天走不了多远，因为我的两只脚很瘦弱。走得累了，便站在路旁休息，休息够了，就继续走，像路上的行人一样，只是我没有一个明确的目的地。那么你可能会问，那为什么你还夜以继日的走? 因为除了走，我不知道我还能做什么。肚子饿了，就找食物。我不能到树枝上寻找食物，所以我是否能填饱肚子完全取决于我的运气。我连作梦都希望天空作美，下起倾盆大雨，让湿润的土地冒出很多虫子。

然而，有一天，我遇到了他。他也是一只鸟，只是他是一只断了翅膀的鸟。我遇见他的时候，我心里冒起了阵阵的涟漪，是什么原因，我自己也说不上。我的脑里当时只有两个字：同类。他和我一样，都不飞翔，我们都是异类。也许是这个原因，我们一拍即合。我这才知道同类的重要性。同类让你的生活不枯燥，因为你们有共同的话题。同类让你知道你并没有被世界所遗忘，因为他总能明白你种种的情绪。

于是，我们一起走路，一起找食物，我们成了彼此唯一的好朋友。我终于感受得到快乐。

只是，当我有一天注视着他时，我开始怀疑我感到快乐是因为我找到了同类，抑或是觉得我们同样不能飞翔，但至少我有一双完整的翅膀？我快乐，是因为我找到了比自己更糟糕的个体吗？我不敢，也不想寻求答案，我只希望我们能继续一起走，直到我们其中一个离开对方为止。

2010-01-08T19:13:00.001Z

After dinner, I went back home with an absolutely fatigue body. The strong wind was blowing and my mind wasn't refreshed by the chilliness at all. I fastened my pace, hoping to reach home earlier. I didn't want to stay outside any longer - right at the moment, I wished I had the ability to teleport.

***

I stared at the monitor of my laptop. I tried very hard to comprehend the mathematics equations on the lecture notes, but to no avail. My mind went completely blank. I needed a rest, I thought. However, I didn't go to bed immediately. The desire to finish the lecture notes grew stronger before I could make a move to the bed.

***

Suddenly, someone opened the door of my room. Shocked, I opened my eyes. I was on the bed, but the room was pitch dark, I couldn't see anything, except a thin ray of light shining into the room through the crack of the door. A silhuette loomed into my sight, it was so silent and my heart beat was way too loud for the atmosphere. I opened my mouth, wanted to speak.

There is a draft dated 11/3/2009 in my blog! I'd totally forgotten about it. I remember I wrote this after I finish reading Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. Darkness, concept of time, suspense. lol. It doesn't look like something that I'd write.

2009-12-08T00:29:00.000Z

我真不敢想像三毛失去荷西时有多难过和痛心。

“爱到底是什么东西，为什么那么辛酸那么苦痛，只要还能握住它，到死还是不肯放弃，到死也是甘心。”

最难忘的一天

2009-11-17T23:18:00.000Z

如果影片中的小孩要写一篇作文，题目是《最难忘的一天》，或者是《我最快乐的一天》，他写的一定会是这一天：

如果影片中的狗也得写这篇文章，它写的一定会是这一天：

这些文章，一定会比我们的 ”在一个风和日丽的早上，坐老爷车去海边游玩“ 的作文来得高分许多。

不眠

2009-11-13T21:40:00.000Z

这是杨明学写的词。

他写过孙燕姿的我不难过，王菲的旋木，还有这首不眠。他在24岁就去世了，患了种罕见的疾病。

这首词描写的是“我知道我命已不久矣”的心情，最后一句尤其震撼－到了最后还不是一个人。

等死的感觉是什么啊？对每天的日出日落，身边的人事物会多看几眼吗？还是每天都活在惶恐中，想说，会是今天吗？

前几天，从睡梦中惊醒，脸颊上有泪。我在梦中哭得好惨，因为我梦见爷爷过世了。梦境好真实，异常的真实。我赶紧抓了书桌上得手机，立刻拨了通电话给爷爷。

电话接通了，我的心跳加速，几乎就要窒息。过了不知多久，电话那头传来了那熟悉，苍老的声音。

“喂？“

我眼眶湿了。我心里很澎湃，但我使力装出很平静的声音。

”喂！是我！“

老人家听见我的声音当然很高兴，聊了些时间，但是忙说：”电话费很贵，别聊那么久！“

可我怎么舍得结束对话呢？于是我赶紧叫爷爷把话筒交给嬷嬷。

”嬷嬷，是我！在做什么？“ 声音还是有点颤抖。

”我啊，在等咯。“

这个答案令我很诧异，于是我接着问：”等什么？“

”等咯。“

后面我们聊了些什么，我不太记得了，因为这个对话让我好心疼他们。

等什么？等我回去？还是等他们的儿子回去？

我想起了龙应台写的：人，一個一個走掉，通常走得很遠、很久。在很長的歲月裡，只有一年一度，屋裡頭的燈光特別燦亮，人聲特別喧嘩，進出雜踏數日，然後又歸於沉寂。留在裡面沒走的人，體態漸孱弱，步履漸蹣跚，屋內愈來愈靜，聽得見牆上時鐘滴答的聲音。梔子花還開著，只是在黃昏的陽光裡看它，怎麼看都覺得淒清。然後其中一個人也走了，剩下的那一個，從暗暗的窗簾裡，往窗外外看，彷彿看見，有一
天，來了一輛車，是來接自己的。她可能自己鎖了門，慢慢走出去，可能坐在輪椅中，被推出去，也可能是一張白布蓋著，被抬出去。

想到这里，我不禁潸然泪下。

2009-11-04T15:03:00.000Z

这首歌的每一个‘谎’字都唱得特别好。前几个‘谎’字的感觉很无奈-就像看着对方的眼睛，眼睛含着眼泪，打从心底并低声下气地跟对方说，我真的没有说谎。后面的‘谎’字像，对方因为他说谎而要离开他，所以他歇斯底里地跟对方说我真的没有说谎，求对方留下。

真是一首好歌。

查无此人

2009-11-01T14:33:00.001Z

詞:姚若龍　曲:陳小霞　

寄一份問候給遠方的童年　
想念那張滿是純真的臉
可以哭過就笑從不曾算計　
幸福離的多遙遠

寄一份心情給久違的青春　
想念那個敢愛敢恨的人
相信忠於感覺會快樂一些　
寧可受傷不肯說謊言

查無此人他們說查無此人
童年只剩一張黑白的照片
提醒我在逃離保護以前　
我有過一個簡單卻又美好的世界

查無此人他們說查無此人
青春只剩一段未完的愛戀
偶爾像被風捲起的黃葉　
落在心口上像一滴被忍住的淚

2009-10-22T10:39:00.000+01:00

常听见的至理名言，往往都是过了一些时间后才能完完全全地，刻骨铭心地体悟。

小时候当别人说 ‘当小孩是最快乐的，好好珍惜啊’，我都会不屑一顾，心里暗地的说，你懂个屁，你都没看见我妈怎么打我骂我的，我要我的自主权！我要赶快长大！！好了，当你长大了，你时不时的缅怀当时的简单，无忧无虑的生活。你怀念爷爷牵着你的手去便利商店买糖果的感觉。当你不喜欢工作坐在你隔壁的同事时，你怀念那种用画楚河汉界或分开桌子就能解决问题的方法。你想念那种单纯，没有生活压力，经济负担的生活。你开始讨厌你心里永无止境的欲望，然后突然的明白，小时候虽然同样有很多欲望，但那些都只是新口味的糖果，新出的玩具，新的橡皮擦。你开始慨叹，但是这都是你长大了以后的事了。

别人说，读书的时候比工作快乐很多。你很鄙视地看着他，想说，他妈的，没看见我有考不完的考试，写不完的作业吗？到你有了工作经验后，才会觉悟读书真的比工作好太多了。社会有太多的诱惑，别人开始说，你变了。你没说什么，因为你知道，这是必然的，是必需的防御措施。

别人说，多陪陪家人，多陪他们聊聊天。愚昧的你一直以为，你一直以来都是个乖孩子，这些东西你常做啊！可是，当你离开家人时，你细数你在家陪他们的时间，少的可怜。爸爸低声下气地问你如何上网，你不耐烦地说，等一下啦，因为你当时‘很忙’。你知道父母常挂念着你却不好意思说出口，你却永远不会主动说，我在这很好，不用担心。坐在星巴克读龙应台关于她爸从生病到去世的文章，你泪流满面，下定决心一定要打电话给父母，可是回到家却没了一回事。

想通的时候往往总是太迟，然后你就会妄自地想，人生根本就是老天开我们的一个天大的玩笑！

可是，如果你问我，我的童年不快乐吗？我会回答说，很快乐啊！读书生涯不快乐吗？快乐啊，因为认识了一班好朋友。我想，这时因为我当时虽然不曾深刻体会过那些至理名言，但是我却隐隐约约地秉持着那些道理过我的生活。我并没有枉费我的童年和读书生涯，所以我快乐。

至于家人方面，我会努力的！

2009-10-22T10:34:00.000+01:00

人，终究是孤单的，毕竟我们都只是分开的独立个体。

人能孤单，但却不能孤独。

2009-09-19T10:45:00.001+01:00

知足常乐。

2009-07-18T04:39:00.000+01:00

First few minutes is a must watch!

So hilarious.

YEsterday I overheard a funny conversation in the lift.

American Chinese girl: (I think they were talking bad about a guy)don't you think he sounds like garfield? The cat? He was always like 'hey hey"(in a high pitched,rather funny voice)

Singaporean guy: No, I don't think so.

AC girl: Oh wait wait, he doesn't sound like garfield, he sounds like the japanese robot cat, doraemon.

Singaporean: Which one? The blue and white cat? That's quite scary.

LOL. I literally LOL.

2009-06-28T17:03:00.000+01:00

There are times in my life when I feel very down. I think about life, my future, the purpose of studying and working, how I am going to spend the rest of my life, think about death, etc.

This kind of situation happens very often when I was in London, but it only happened once or twice since I came to HK. I was always occupied with stuff - mainly work.

I was quite surprised when I learnt my colleagues usually watch movies alone, dinner alone, etc.

That's actually very sad, and I have always disliked loneliness

Number of friends gradually decline when you grow older - and that's absolutely true.

I watched 心动 back in May, but the melancholic feelings still stayed with me. There are definitely things which you would regret later in your life.

C'est la vie.

2009-04-18T11:55:00.000+01:00

Most touching ad ever. It's trying to convey the message - care for cancer patients.

I saw this long time ago, and I recently found this video again. It's still so powerful and moving.

2009-03-09T01:42:00.000Z

超好笑的康熙片断！！！！

小S在模仿台湾的购物频道。那个顿点顿得好啊！

旋转门

2009-03-07T00:06:00.000Z

最近读了一本村上春树的小说－ The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. 故事里面，他提到人生可能就像旋转门一样，你的人生取决于你踏进那旋转门的哪一部分。不同部分就会对你的人生有不同的影响－你站的位置可以被更改。

小寒帮蔡健雅填词的达尔文，也有类似的道理－当然，这是小寒对爱情的观点。

我的替身　已換過多少輪　記憶在舊情人心中變冷
我的一生　有幾道旋轉門　轉到了最後只剩你我沒分

我很想知道，究竟我现在站在哪里？其他的位置又会有怎样的人生呢？

2009-02-24T13:07:00.000Z

Yesterday night, I was kinda forced by LH to go to a gig by Rachel Yamagata. Actually he did not force me, it's just that I myself wanted to experience the music scenes in London - those that are not so commercialized, you know.

I kinda like her voice when I first heard it;it sounds like Norah Jones' and I've always liked that kind of voice. Oh, in terms of Taiwanese artists, they sound like Joanna 王若琳. You'll definitely be moved and touched by their voices and music, and the impact will be much bigger if you listen to them LIVE- with band and those emotional performers.

I nearly teared when she began to sing 'Be be your love' yesterday and when the drum came in, I could feel I was in heaven. I guess I have never listened to LIVE music for too long. The drummer and guitarist were so emotional, I could see they were totally into the music , into the lyrics. And I'm going to Jason Mraz's concert in April! =)

I'm in love with a few songs at the moment-

Plane - Jason Mraz

鱼－陈绮贞

Ok, I'm too bored now. Let me explain the lyrics of 鱼.

It basically describes the feelings of a person who hates the society and the world. She wants break out of the cage but the efforts do not pay off - in the end she is the one who gets hurt.

I think at the end she decides to stay in the world, whilst hoping someone who is brave enough will take her into his arms.

SOmetimes there are way too many thoughts in my mind, but I am just too lazy to write them out.

2009-02-17T00:49:00.000Z

魚
The Edge

詞曲／陳綺貞

我坐在椅子上，看日出復活。
我坐在夕陽裡，看城市的衰弱。
我摘下一片葉子，讓它代替我，
觀察離開後的變化。
曾經狂奔，舞蹈，貪婪的說話，
隨著冷的濕的心，
腐化。

帶不走的丟不掉的，讓大雨侵蝕吧！
讓它推向我在邊界，
奮不顧身掙扎。
如果有一個懷抱，勇敢不計代價，
別讓我飛，將我溫柔豢養。

我坐在椅子上，看日出復活。
我坐在夕陽裡，看城市的衰弱。
我摘下一片葉子，讓它代替我，觀察離開後的變化。

曾經狂奔，舞蹈，貪婪的說話
隨著冷的濕的心，
腐化。

帶不走的留不下的，我全都交付它。
讓它捧著我在手掌，自由自在揮灑。
如果有一個世界，混濁的不像話，
原諒我飛，
曾經眷戀太陽。

帶不走的丟不掉的，讓大雨侵蝕吧！
讓它推向我在邊界，
奮不顧身掙扎。
如果有一個世界混濁得不像話，
我會瘋狂的愛上。

帶不走的留不下的，
我全都交付它，
讓它捧著我在手掌，
自由自在揮灑。
如果有一個懷抱，勇敢不計代價，
別讓我飛，將我溫柔豢養，
原諒我飛，
曾經眷戀太陽。

《家》－龙应台

2009-02-03T00:29:00.000Z

作为被人呵护的儿女时，父母在的地方，就是家。早上赶车时，有人催你喝热腾腾的豆浆。天若下雨，他坚持你要带伞。烫的便当塞在书包里，书包拎在肩上，贴身还热。周末上街时，一家四五口人可以挤在一辆机车上招摇过市。放学回来时，距离门外几尺就听见锅铲轻快的声音，饭菜香一阵一阵。晚了，一顶大蚊帐，四张榻榻米，灯一黑，就是黑甜时间。兄弟姊妹的笑闹踢打和被褥的松软裹在帐内，帐外不时有大人的咳嗽声，走动声，窃窃私语声。朦胧的时候，窗外丝缎般的栀子花香，就幽幽飘进半睡半醒的眼睫里。帐里帐外都是一个温暖而安心的世界，那是家。

　　可是这个家，会怎样呢？

　　人，一个一个走掉，通常走得很远、很久。在很长的岁月里，只有一年一度，屋里头的灯光特别灿亮，人声特别喧哗，进出杂踏数日，然后又归于沉寂。留在里面没走的人，体态渐孱弱，步履渐蹒跚，屋内愈来愈静，听得见墙上时钟滴答的声音。栀子花还开着，只是在黄昏的阳光里看它，怎么看都觉得凄清。然后其中一个人也走了，剩下的那一个，从暗暗的窗帘里，往窗外外看，彷佛看见，有一天，来了一辆车，是来接自己的。她可能自己锁了门，慢慢走出去，可能坐在轮椅中，被推出去，也可能是一张白布盖着，被抬出去。

　　和人做终身伴侣时，两个人在哪里，哪里就是家。曾经是异国大学小城里一间简单的公寓，和其他一两家共一个厨房。窗外飘着陌生的冷雪，可是卧房里伴侣的手温暖无比。后来是一个又一个陌生的城市，跟着一个又一个新的工作，一个又一个重新来过的家。几件重要的家俱总是在运输的路上，其他就在每一个新的城市里一点一点添加或丢弃。墙上，不敢挂什么真正和记忆终生不渝的东西，因为墙，是暂时的。在暂时里，只有假设性的永久和不敢放心的永恒。家，也就是两个人刚好暂时落脚的地方。

　　可是这个家，会怎样呢？

　　很多，没多久就散了，因为人会变，生活会变，家，也跟着变质。渴望安定时，很多人进入一个家；渴望自由时，很多人又逃离一个家。渴望安定的人也许遇见的是一个渴望自由的人，寻找自由的人也许爱上的是一个寻找安定的人。家，一不小心就变成一个没有温暖、只有压迫的地方。外面的世界固然荒凉，但是家却可以更寒冷。一个人固然寂寞，两个人孤灯下无言相对却可以更寂寞。

　　很多人在散了之后就开始终身流浪。

　　很多，一会儿就有了儿女。一有儿女，家，就是儿女在的地方。天还没亮就起来做早点，把热腾腾的豆浆放上餐桌，一定要亲眼看着他喝下才安心。天若下雨，少年总不愿拿伞，因为拿伞有损形象，于是你苦口婆心几近哀求地请他带伞。他已经走出门，你又赶上去把滚烫的便当塞进他书包里。周末，你骑机车去市场，把两个女儿贴在身后，一个小的夹在前面两腿之间，虽然挤，但是女儿的体温和迎风的笑声甜蜜可爱。从上午就开始盘算晚餐的食谱，黄昏时，你一边炒菜一边听着门外的声音，期待一个一个孩子回到自己身边。晚上，你把滚热的牛奶搁在书桌上，孩子从作业堆里抬头看你一眼，不说话，只是笑了一下。你觉得，好像突然闻到栀子花幽幽的香气。

　　孩子在哪里，哪里就是家。

　　可是，这个家，会怎样呢？

　　你告诉我，什么是家，我就可以告诉你，什么是永恒。

2009-01-24T22:52:00.000Z

九月九日忆山东兄弟

王维（唐）

独在异乡为异客，每逢佳节倍思亲。
遥知兄弟登高处，遍插茱萸少一人。

五月天你不是真正的快樂

2008-11-25T13:52:00.000Z

怎麼辦，這首歌感動到我了。MV拍得很好，把現代人的悲哀描述得淋漓盡致。

人群中哭著你只想變成透明的顏色

你再也不會夢或痛或心動了

你已經決定了你已經決定了

你靜靜忍著緊緊把昨天在拳心握著

而回憶越是甜就是越傷人了

越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深淺淺的刀割

你不是真正的快樂你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這世界笑了於是妳合群的一起笑了

當生存是規則不是你的選擇

於是妳含著眼淚飄飄盪盪跌跌撞撞的走著

你不是真正的快樂你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂你的傷從不肯完全的癒合

我站在你左側卻像隔著銀河

難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂你應該脫下你穿的保護色

為什麼失去了還要被懲罰呢

能不能就讓悲傷全部結束在此刻重新開始活著

“你不是真正的快樂你的笑只是你穿的保護色，你決定不恨了，也決定不愛了”
所以，根據阿信的說法，要得到真正的快樂是要敢愛敢恨－兩樣我都做不到的東西。可悲。

2008-11-17T22:53:00.000Z

三年级

当时上着下午班的华文课。
向来并不是很喜欢那位老师，我总觉得她很狗眼看人低，只跟有钱家长打招呼。逢过年时，得到最多礼篮的就是她。
那时，她在教着看图作文。图里所画的是果园里布满了黄梨。
于是她就说：好的句子是能够把事情描述得栩栩如生的。例如，农夫在果园里种满了又肥又美的黄梨。
“这叫栩栩如生？！” 就在我不屑地在鄙视着她的华文造诣时，她竟然接了一句， “就像何维豪这样。”
干他妈的，我立刻低下头，注视着桌上的课本，可是班上早就爆发出轰隆的笑声了。

现在回想起来还觉的那位老师的搞笑功力还不错。

六年级

小学最讨厌的就是量体重。每次量完体重，除了要忍受那护士的眼神，还要面对班上同学的调侃。六年级有一次量完体重，本人那时有53公斤，结果可想而知，当然在班上被讨论个不停啊。

后来传到老师耳里，她居然问我说，哎哟，你家里吃什么米的啊？我看，如果你在香港的住屋里肯定很难行动。语气简直像极了尖酸刻薄的继母。

也是六年级

食堂。我朋友那时正在打开她的Tupperware, 要吃她妈妈帮她准备的面包。这时她突然打了个喷嚏，竟然有血从她鼻子里“跃洞而出”，好死不死降落在她的面包上。

我一直都觉得这画面千载难逢，到现在我还记忆深刻。

五年级

英文课。先描述一下这位老师吧。他出奇的懒，每天进来班上第一件做的事就是一屁股坐下来，把双脚高高的翘在桌子上，接下来就开始挖鼻孔了。如果指间有鼻屎，他就会用拇指用力地把它弹出去。弹出去的方向不固定，于是第一排的同学每次都得用课本挡住随时从天而降的炸弹。作业都乱改，考卷抄回历年的，可是他却很幸运－就算被家长投诉了无数遍，都赶不走他。因为校长说，没有别的小学肯要他。

那次他说他要给Oral Test, 还没轮到我时，我就拿出别的功课来做。很不幸的，竟然被他发现了。
他说要处罚我－叫我面对这教室的门，然后高举双手，身体得要紧紧的贴着那扇门。别以为那没什么，那很累！手酸的跟什么一样。

他现在还在我的小学任教。我表妹跟我说，他现在还代班美术课。死性难改，现在还是一样的懒－当他收到学生的画时，就把整叠40几幅画转到背面去，然后用数钞票的方式去翻那叠画，翻的同时就顺便打个勾，然后写上一个大c. 无论多美或多丑，都是c.
这一切当然被学生看在眼里，结果有一天一位学生交了一张空白的图画纸上去，只在背面写上名字。那位笨老师也没发现，照改不误，结果也拿了一个c回来。真狡猾。

《背影》

2008-11-16T20:17:00.000Z

作者: 三毛

　
　　那片墓园曾经是荷西与我常常经过的地方。
　　过去，每当我们散步在这个新来离岛上的高岗时，总喜欢俯视着那方方的纯白的厚墙，看看墓园中特有的丝杉，还有那一扇古老的镶花大铁门。
　　不知为什么，总也不厌的怅望着那一片被围起来的寂寂的土地，好似乡愁般的依恋着它，而我们，是根本没有进去过的。
　　当时并不明白，不久以后，这竟是荷西要归去的地方了。是的，荷西是永远睡了下去。
　　清晨的墓园，鸟声如洗，有风吹过，带来了树叶的清香。不远的山坡下，看得见荷西最后工作的地方，看得见古老的小镇，自然也看得见那蓝色的海。
　　总是痴痴的一直坐到黄昏，坐到幽暗的夜慢慢的给四周带来了死亡的阴影。
　　也总是那个同样的守墓人，拿着一个大铜环，环上吊着一把古老的大钥匙向我走来，低低的劝慰着：“太太，回去吧！天暗了。”
　　我向他道谢，默默的跟着他穿过一排又一排十字架，最后，看他锁上了那扇分隔生死的铁门，这才往万家灯火的小镇走去。
　　回到那个租来的公寓，只要母亲听见了上楼的脚步声，门便很快的打开了，面对的，是憔悴不堪等待了我一整天的父亲和母亲。
　　照例喊一声：“爹爹，姆妈，我回来了！”然后回到自己的卧室里去，躺下来，望着天花板，等着黎明的再来，清晨六时，墓园开了，又可以往荷西奔去。
　　父母亲马上跟进了卧室，母亲总是捧着一碗汤，察言观色，又近乎哀求的轻声说：“喝一口也好，也不勉强你不再去坟地，只求你喝一口，这么多天来什么也不吃怎么撑得住。”
　　也不是想顶撞母亲，可是我实在吃不下任何东西，摇摇头不肯再看父母一眼，将自己侧埋在枕头里不动。母亲站了好一会，那碗汤又捧了出去。
　　客厅里，一片死寂，父亲母亲好似也没有在交谈。
　　不知是荷西葬下去的第几日了，堆着的大批花环已经枯萎了，我跪在地上，用力将花环里缠着的铁丝拉开，一趟又一趟的将拆散的残梗抱到远远的垃圾桶里去丢掉。
　　花没有了，阳光下露出来的是一片黄黄干干的尘土，在这片刺目的，被我看了一千遍一万遍的土地下，长眠着我生命中最最心爱的丈夫。
　　鲜花又被买了来，放在注满了清水的大花瓶里，那片没有名字的黄土，一样固执的沉默着，微风里，红色的、白色的玫瑰在轻轻的摆动，却总也带不来生命的信息。
　　那日的正午，我从墓园里下来，停好了车，望着来来往往的车辆和行人发呆。
　　不时有认识与不认识的路人经过我，停下来，照着岛上古老的习俗，握住我的双手，亲吻我的额头，喃喃的说几句致哀的语言然后低头走开。我只是麻木的在道谢，根本没有在听他们，手里捏了一张已经皱得不成样子的白纸，上面写着一些必须去面对的事情——：要去葬仪社结帐，去找法医看解剖结果，去警察局交回荷西的身份证和驾驶执照，去海防司令部填写出事经过，去法院申请死亡证明，去市政府请求墓地式样许可，去社会福利局申报死亡，去打长途电话给马德里总公司要荷西工作合同证明，去打听寄车回大加纳利岛的船期和费用，去做一件又一件刺心而又无奈的琐事。
　　我默默的盘算着要先开始去做哪一件事，又想起来一些要影印的文件被忘在家里了。
　　天好似非常的闷热，黑色的丧服更使人汗出如雨，从得知荷西出事时那一刻便升上来的狂渴又一次一次的袭了上来。
　　这时候，在邮局的门口，我看见了父亲和母亲，那是在荷西葬下去之后第一次在镇上看见他们，好似从来没有将他们带出来一起办过事情。他们就该当是成天在家苦盼我回去的人。
　　我还是靠在车门边，也没有招呼他们，父亲却很快的指着我，拉着母亲过街了。
　　那天，母亲穿着一件藏青色的材衫，一条白色的裙子，父亲穿着他在仓促中赶回这个离岛时唯一带来的一套灰色的西装，居然还打了领带。
　　母亲的手里握着一把黄色的康乃馨。
　　他们是从镇的那头走路来的，父亲那么不怕热的人都在揩汗。
　　“你们去哪里？”我淡然的说。
　　“看荷西。”
　　“不用了。”我仍然没有什么反应。
　　“我们要去看荷西。”母亲又说。
　　“找了好久好久，才在一条小巷子里买到了花，店里的人也不肯收钱，话又讲不通，争了半天，就是不肯收，我们丢下几百块跑出店，也不知够不够。”父亲急急的告诉我这件事，我仍是漠漠然的。
　　现在回想起来，父母亲不只是从家里走了长长的路出来，在买花的时候又不知道绕了多少冤枉路，而他们那几日其实也是不眠不食的在受着苦难，那样的年纪，怎么吃得消在烈日下走那么长的路。
　　“开车一起去墓地好了，你们累了。”我说。
　　“不用了，我们还可以走，你去办事。”母亲马上拒绝了。“路远，又是上坡，还是坐车去的好，再说，还有回程。”
　　“不要，不要，你去忙，我们认得路。”父亲也说了。“不行，天太热了。”我也坚持着。
　　“我们要走走，我们想慢慢的走走。”
　　母亲重复着这一句话，好似我再逼她上车便要哭了出来，这几日的苦，在她的声调里是再也控制不住了。
　　父亲母亲默默的穿过街道，弯到上山的那条公路去。我站在他们背后，并没有马上离开。
　　花被母亲紧紧的握在手里，父亲弯着身好似又在掏手帕揩汗，耀眼的阳光下，哀伤，那么明显的压垮了他们的两肩，那么沉重的拖住了他们的步伐，四周不断的有人在我面前经过，可是我的眼睛只看见父母渐渐远去的背影，那份肉体上实实在在的焦渴的感觉又使人昏眩起来。
　　一直站在那里想了又想，不知为什么自己在这种情境里，不明白为什么荷西突然不见了，更不相信自己的眼睛——我的父母竟在那儿拿着一束花去上一座谁的坟，千山万水的来与我们相聚，而这个梦是在一条通向死亡的路上遽然结束。我眼睛干干的，没有一滴泪水，只是在那儿想痴了过去。对街书报店的老板向我走过来，说：“来，不要站在大太阳下面。”
　　我跟他说：“带我去你店里喝水，我口渴。”
　　他扶着我的手肘过街，我又回头去找父亲和母亲，他们还在那儿爬山路，两个悲愁的身影和一束黄花。
　　当我黄昏又回荷西的身畔去时，看见父母亲的那束康乃馨插在别人的地方了，那是荷西逝后旁边的一座新坟，听说是一位老太太睡了。两片没有名牌的黄土自然是会弄错的，更何况在下葬的那一刻因为我狂叫的缘故，父母几乎也被弄得疯狂，他们是不可能在那种时刻认仔细墓园的路的。
　　“老婆婆，花给了你是好的，请你好好照顾荷西吧！”
　　我轻轻的替老婆婆抚平了四周松散了的泥沙，又将那束错放的花又扶了扶正，心里想着，这个识别的墓碑是得快做了。
　　在老木匠的店里，我画下了简单的十字架的形状，又说明了四周栅栏的高度，再请他做一块厚厚的牌子钉在十字架的中间，他本来也是我们的朋友。
　　“这块墓志铭如果要刻太多字就得再等一星期了。”他抱歉的说。
　　“不用，只要刻这几个简单的字：荷西·马利安·葛罗——安息。”
　　“下面刻上——你的妻子纪念你。”我轻轻的说。“刻好请你自己来拿吧，找工人去做坟，给你用最好的木头刻。这份工作和材料都是送的，孩子，坚强呵！”
　　老先生粗糙有力的手重重的握着我的两肩，他的眼里有泪光在闪烁。
　　“要付钱的，可是一样的感谢您。”
　　我不自觉的向他弯下腰去，我只是哭不出来。
　　那些日子，夜间总是跟着父母亲在家里度过，不断的有朋友们来探望我，我说着西班牙话，父母便退到卧室里去。窗外的海，白日里平静无波，在夜间一轮明月的照耀下，将这拿走荷西生命的海洋爱抚得更是温柔。
　　父亲、母亲与我，在分别了十二年之后的第一个中秋节，便是那样的度过了。
　　讲好那天是早晨十点钟去拿十字架和木栅栏的，出门时没见到母亲。父亲好似没有吃早饭，厨房里清清冷冷的，他背着我站在阳台上，所能见到的，也只是那逃也逃不掉的海洋。
　　“爹爹，我出去了。”我在他身后低低的说。
　　“要不要陪你去？今天去做哪些事情？爹爹姆妈语言不通，什么忙也帮不上你。”
　　听见父亲那么痛惜的话，我几乎想请他跟我一起出门，虽然他的确是不能说西班牙话，可是如果我要他陪，他心里会好过得多。
　　“哪里，是我对不起你们，发生这样的事情……”话再也说不下去了，我开了门便很快的走了。
　　不敢告诉父亲说我不请工人自己要去做坟的事，怕他拚了命也要跟着我同去。
　　要一个人去搬那个对我来说还是太重的十字架和木栅栏，要用手指再一次去挖那片埋着荷西的黄土，喜欢自己去筑他永久的寝园，甘心自己用手，用大石块，去挖，去钉，去围，替荷西做这世上最后的一件事情。
　　那天的风特别的大，拍散在车道旁边堤防上的浪花飞溅得好似天高。
　　我缓缓的开着车子，堤防对面的人行道上也沾满了风吹过去的海水，突然，在那一排排被海风蚀剥得几乎成了骨灰色的老木房子前面，我看见了在风里，水雾里，踽踽独行的母亲。
　　那时人行道上除了母亲之外空无人迹，天气不好，熟路的人不会走这条堤防边的大道。
　　母亲腋下紧紧的夹着她的皮包，双手重沉沉的各提了两个很大的超级市场的口袋，那些东西是这么的重，使得母亲快蹲下去了般的弯着小腿在慢慢一步又一步的拖着。
　　她的头发在大风里翻飞着，有时候吹上来盖住了她的眼睛，可是她手上有那么多的东西，几乎没有一点法子拂去她脸上的乱发。
　　眼前孤伶伶在走着的妇人会是我的母亲吗？会是那个在不久以前还穿着大红衬衫跟着荷西与我像孩子似的采野果子的妈妈？是那个同样的妈妈？为什么她变了，为什么这明明是她又实在不是她了？
　　这个憔悴而沉默妇人的身体，不必说一句话，便河也似的奔流出来了她自己的灵魂，在她的里面，多么深的悲伤，委屈，顺命和眼泪像一本摊开的故事书，向人诉说了个明明白白。
　　可是她手里牢牢的提着她的那几个大口袋，怎么样的打击好似也提得动它们，不会放下来。
　　我赶快停了车向她跑过去：“姆妈，你去哪里了，怎么不叫我。”
　　“去买菜啊！”母亲没事似的回答着。
　　“我拿着超级市场的空口袋，走到差不多觉得要到了的地方，就指着口袋上的字问人，自然有人会拉着我的手带我到菜场门口，回来自己就可以了，以前荷西跟你不是开车送过我好多次吗？”母亲仍然和蔼的说着。
　　想到母亲是在台北住了半生也还弄不清街道的人，现在居然一个人在异乡异地拿着口袋到处打手势问人菜场的路，回公寓又不晓得走小街，任凭堤防上的浪花飞溅着她，我看见她的样子，自责得恨不能自己死去。
　　荷西去了的这些日子，我完完全全将父母亲忘了，自私的哀伤将我弄得死去活来，竟不知父母还在身边，竟忘了他们也痛，竟没有想到，他们的世界因为没有我语言的媒介已经完全封闭了起来，当然，他们日用品的缺乏更不在我的心思里了。
　　是不是这一阵父母亲也没有吃过什么？为什么我没有想到过？
　　只记得荷西的家属赶来参加葬礼过后的那几小时，我被打了镇静剂躺在床上，药性没有用，仍然在喊荷西回来，荷西回来！父亲在当时也快崩溃了，只有母亲，她不进来理我，她将我交给我眼泪汪汪的好朋友格劳丽亚，因为她是医生。我记得那一天，厨房里有油锅的声音，我事后知道母亲发着抖撑着用一个小平底锅在一次一次的炒蛋炒饭，给我的婆婆和荷西的哥哥姐姐们开饭，而那些家属，哭号一阵，吃一阵，然后赶着上街去抢购了一些岛上免税的烟酒和手表、相机，匆匆忙忙的登机而去，包括做母亲的，都没有忘记买了新表才走。
　　以后呢？以后的日子，再没有听见厨房里有炒菜的声音了。为什么那么安静了呢，好像也没有看见父母吃什么。“姆妈上车来，东西太重了，我送你回去。”我的声音哽住了。
　　“不要，你去办事情，我可以走。”
　　“不许走，东西太重。”我上去抢她的重口袋。“你去镇上做什么？”妈妈问我。
　　我不敢说是去做坟，怕她要跟。
　　“有事要做，你先上来嘛！”
　　“有事就快去做，我们语言不通不能帮上一点点忙，看你这么东跑西跑连哭的时间也没有，你以为做大人的心里不难过？你看你，自己嘴唇都裂开了，还在争这几个又不重的袋子。”她这些话一讲，眼睛便湿透了。
　　母亲也不再说了，怕我追她似的加快了步子，大风里几乎开始跑起来。
　　我又跑上去抢母亲袋子里沉得不堪的一瓶瓶矿泉水，她叫了起来：“你脊椎骨不好，快放手。”
　　这时，我的心脏不争气的狂跳起来，又不能通畅的呼吸了，肋骨边针尖似的刺痛又来了，我放了母亲，自己慢慢的走回车上去，趴在驾驶盘上，这才将手赶快压住了痛的地方。等我稍稍喘过气来，母亲已经走远了。
　　我坐在车里，车子斜斜的就停在街心，后望镜里，还是看得见母亲的背影，她的双手，被那些东西拖得好似要掉到了地上，可是她仍是一步又一步的在那里走下去。
　　母亲踏着的青石板，是一片又一片碎掉的心，她几乎步伐踉跄了，可是手上的重担却不肯放下来交给我，我知道，只要我活着一天，她便不肯委屈我一秒。
　　回忆到这儿，我突然热泪如倾，爱到底是什么东西，为什么那么辛酸那么苦痛，只要还能握住它，到死还是不肯放弃，到死也是甘心。
　　父亲，母亲，这一次，孩子又重重的伤害了你们，不是前不久才说过，再也不伤你们了，这么守诺言的我，却是又一次失信于你们，虽然当时我应该坚强些的，可是我没有做到。
　　守望的天使啊！你们万里迢迢的飞去了北非，原来冥冥中又去保护了我，你们那双老硬的翅膀什么时候才可以休息？
　　终于有泪了。那么我还不是行尸走肉，父亲，母亲，你们此时正在安睡，那么让我悄悄的尽情的流一次泪吧。
　　孩子真情流露的时候，好似总是背着你们，你们向我显明最深的爱的时候，也好似恰巧都是一次又一次的背影。什么时候，我们能够面对面的看一眼，不再隐藏彼此，也不只在文章里偷偷的写出来，什么时候我才肯明明白白的将这份真诚在我们有限的生命里向你们交代得清清楚楚呢。
　

Announcement!

2008-11-16T11:23:00.000Z

Attention Please!!!

I'M GOING BACK TO MALAYSIA IN DECEMBER!

Time to plan what to do..

Short trip anyone? =p

剪刀、床、芭比

2008-11-05T16:53:00.000Z

11月5日主持人的休息室

親愛的寶寶：

我覺得剪刀很漂亮。

你把剪刀張開，就好像有什麼可期待的。

你把剪刀合起來，一切就又安靜了。

可以對很多事都很期待，又可以馬上就安靜下來，回到自己的世界

真像一個一個很棒的人啊。

7月17日床上

親愛的寶寶：

當你像個小太空人那樣，從你小小的無重力太空船漫步而出的時候，會有幾雙手把你接來接去。

然後，你就會被放在一個東西上。

那個東西叫做床。

你如果知道接下來的人生，你會有多少時間躺在這個東西上面，你恐怕會忍不住撐開眼睛用力看它幾眼。

我們會在上面，經歷一些連大人也意料之外的事。有些好甜蜜、有些則令人悔恨以及一些甜蜜但終究令人悔恨的。

我們還會在床上做一些夢，像有個不甘心的人揹著你在亂翻人生的抽屜，翻完了也不恢復原狀就隨手又把亂七八糟的抽屜給關上了。

床也會見證很多我們脆弱的時刻。有時只是太累，躺在床上仰望天花板，懷疑把自己搞這麼累人生還剩什麼意義。有時則是心碎、趴在床上哭。有時生了病，和自己的身體吵架卻又沒辦法甩門一走了之。

床見到我們的時候，我們都這麼像小孩。床會不會以為我們從出生以後，就從來沒有長大過，然後有一天就躺在床上，死掉了？

7月19日　空的咖啡廳

親愛的寶寶：

有人送我一件很緊的T恤，T恤的上面印著這行字：

"我要當芭比，

那個賤貨什麼都有！"

哈哈，親愛的寶寶，她真的什麼都有，她只是沒有生命而已。

動物‧人

2008-11-05T16:35:00.000Z

12月15日　　餐桌

　　親愛的寶寶︰

我對不少事的相信，看似堅強、實際上很脆弱。

比方說︰動物應該生活在大自然、而不是動物園。

如果有人不這麼想，而他又很雄辯，我就會動搖。

我手上正讀到這本小說，主角是印度一個動物園老板的小孩。這小孩在小說一開始，就很大聲責備我們這些天真的人類，說我們一廂情願的以為︰動物有多麼熱愛野外；多麼熱愛遠走幾公里，只為了喝一口河水，還要沒事被河裡的鱷魚嚇得半死；或者多麼熱愛狂奔到心臟都快爆炸，卻連只兔子都捕不到；或者，多麼熱愛永恆地被蚊蠅繞頸飛舞，永恆地被吸血蟲死叮在傷口上。

這個動物園老板的小孩繼續說︰當我們這些人全都相信猴子愛淋雨、獅子愛奔馳、蟒蛇愛獵殺的時候，我們自己卻快樂地為自己蓋起遮蔽風雨的房子，裝自來水管、開醫院看病、開超級市場買菜買肉、開汽車去遠的地方. 我們這麼享受乾淨的水和食物、乾淨的住處，有人替我們剔去魚的刺，有人拔去我們的痛牙。

這樣的我們，卻正直地相信動物都該活在野外、發炎、拉肚子、牙痛、中暑。

這個小說裡的孩子，覺得好的動物園絕對是天堂，住在裡面的動物幸福死了，才不可能想念野外的飽一頓餓十頓、整天擔驚受怕的日子，如果一定要把這些動物再趕出去、趕回大自然，那叫懲罰、不叫"放它們自由"。

我沒有被這小孩說服。我覺得人為了自己奇奇怪怪的原因，而出手去干涉動物的生活，是很蠻橫的事。

可是被干涉了的動物，是不是比較幸福？我就語塞了。籠子很小的鳥、缸很小的魚，當然很苦。那如果籠子大到像一棟樓、魚缸大到像一個湖呢？

有人餵養和照顧、漸漸失去天性，描述起來很可悲。但是寶寶啊，我們自己就是這麼長大的。為了換取醫療、食物、住所、汽車，我們心甘情願地住在舒服的籠裡、做很多工作、考很多試、觀看、也被觀看。

我以為可以很堅定地對動物園這件事發表意見，哪知道一個小孩的質疑，又讓我看見了自己。

2008-10-13T20:33:00.000+01:00

真是的,都可以拍成一部轰轰烈烈的爱情电影了.

人大了,发现朋友圈子越来越小,反而家人就感觉上越来越重要. 过后才发现黄伟文也有同样的感触.

最佳損友

曲：Eric Kwok
詞：黃偉文
編：Eric Kwok / Jerald

朋友　我當你一秒朋友
朋友　我當你一世朋友
奇怪　過去再不堪回首
懷緬　時時其實還有

朋友　你試過將我營救
朋友　你試過把我批鬥
無法　再與你交心聯手
畢竟　難得　有過最佳損友

從前共你　促膝把酒　傾通宵都不夠
我有痛快過　你有沒有
很多東西今生只可給你　保守至到永久
別人如何明白透
實實在在　踏入過我宇宙
即使相處到　有個裂口
命運決定了　以後再沒法聚頭
但說過去　卻那樣厚

＊問我有沒有　確實也沒有
一直躲避的藉口　非甚麼大仇
為何舊知己　在最後　變不到老友
不知你是我敵友　已沒法望透
被推著走　跟著生活流
來年陌生的　是昨日最親的某某＊

生死之交當天不知罕有
到你變節了　至覺未夠
多想一天　彼此都不追究　相邀再次喝酒
待　葡萄成熟透
但是命運入面　每個邂逅
一起走到了　某個路口
是敵與是友　各自也沒有自由
位置變了　各有隊友

REPEAT＊

早知解散後　各自有　際遇作導遊
奇就奇在　接受了　各自有路走
卻沒人像你　讓我　眼淚背著流
嚴重似情侶　講分手

有沒有　確實也沒有
一直躲避的藉口　非甚麼大仇
為何舊知己　在最後　變不到老友
不知你又有沒有　掛念這舊友
或者自己　早就想通透
來年陌生的　是昨日　最親的某某
總好於　那日我　沒有　沒有　遇過　某某

过后又为电影里的主角惋惜,为什么结局会是这样. 心里其实很羡慕, 这样的朋友哪里找. 有时电影真的很不切实际, 严重者还会荼毒我们这种赤子之心. 对事物的观点也会被影响,直到某些事情发生了,才恍然大悟. 所以阿,我很喜欢听陶晶莹讲话,往往能从简单的事情里就能说出一些大道理. 她真的很有智慧.

或许改次再来看这篇文章时, 心中会浮现"傻子"这两个字, 然后会心地笑出来.

Randy Pausch

2008-07-28T01:33:00.000+01:00

I mentioned this guy before in PMS.

Just knew that he's passed away.

RIP.

Exam's over!!!

2008-05-30T02:28:00.000+01:00

Yayyy!! I'm done with my first year!!

Waiting to go home. PLLLLLLLEASSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE I want my bak kut teh now.

張敬軒王菀之手望(守望版)

2008-04-10T15:01:00.001+01:00

nice song!!

Awesome harmonization.And Ivana's voice is just...superb!

13年後的蠟筆小新

2008-04-02T01:00:00.000+01:00

T.T

2008-03-07T03:06:00.000Z

夜晚
让人容易变得脆弱

以前甚至怀疑过自己有"夜晚恐惧症"
小时候在家乡就有点害怕夜晚的到来
可能那时候祖屋每到晚上时就变得很昏暗
静谧得连蝉的叫声都听得见
往外看, 也只有那街灯微弱的光芒
有种李清照的词里那种孤独,惆怅的气氛

从小就不喜欢这种感觉
突然记起高一4896胖狗之旅回来过后几天的心情
就好像热闹喧嚣后就瞬间掉入寂静孤单的世界里
好难熬
非常的空虚
反复的想着那几天发生的事情
还有高一那一年的种种
哇劳
我们还有演唱会咧
我记得我有唱哈林的情非得已
凯和勤毅唱屋顶
还有谁大便竟然忘记了

唉一切都只能回味
最近看回超级星光大道第一季
他们之间的友谊就让我想起我们高一高二的时候
哈哈那个林宥嘉在朋友被淘汰出局后
哭得像个小孩子似的
对嘛多愁善感的人才能唱出感人的歌

思绪像漩涡
尤其在寂静的夜晚
思绪更是容易泛滥
那时真的只能感慨往事只能回味

爷爷在我小时候还很健壮的去割树胶
用摩托车在我四处跑
陪我去河边捉小鱼喂大鱼
如今他生病了
也没有那么强壮了
你还是我最爱的爷爷
我会记得当初你是怎样被我烦的
害到你不能打麻将
我被妈妈关在厕所里时
是你把我救出来的
哈想起来真是可笑
每次打电话来时都会跟我讲
读书不要给自己太大压力
那句话永远是世界上最温暖的话

嫲嫲也是
现在累了
那天听到你在家里晕到
确实吓倒
幸好没事
来英国之前
还紧紧握住她的双手
真的可以感觉到岁月的痕迹
唉岁月催人老

好了该睡觉了
晚安

静茹有一首歌叫 <好夜晚>
很好听很好入睡

PMS

2008-03-05T03:00:00.000Z

最近不知道为什么,总是喜欢去找一些很伤心,凄凉的歌来听, 然后让心揪在一起,接着鼻头一酸,眼泪就留下来了. 听着这些歌,脑海里浮现的是以前种种发生过的事情. 这些歌都在诉说着不同但感人的故事.
刚才在嘉雯的BLOG看了Asia'h 唱歌的片段, 哇, 真的很感人. 尤其是唱到副歌哽咽的那一段, 真叫人心酸.

最近都在听林宥嘉唱歌, 他唱的那些歌, 都有一种蓝蓝的感觉, 很忧郁. 像<走钢索的人>,, <那首歌>,<背影>.... no matter what, I would listen to these songs for at least twice a day. I'm now very lazy to type mandarin characters, feel so tired now, it's already3.14am afterall. My roommate is already snoring. =.=

"怀念,是生命中有了改变才会出现的东西." 不知道在谁的BLOG看过这句话, 觉得它真的说的非常对. 谁能够真正的活在当下呢?

哦, 刚才看了the first 10 mins of Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. I just cant believe how brave some people can be, even when they are facing death. Wonder where his courage comes from. 哎感慨感慨! 得空去听听吧. 也许他能给你什么启示. =)

Last Order-林宥嘉

你是我的眼-林宥嘉

悬崖-林宥嘉

夜夜夜夜-潘裕文

安全感-潘裕文

SPOiLERS WARNING! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-Comic Version

2007-08-07T15:46:00.000+01:00

Warning: If you haven't finished the book, or you're planning to read it later, please don't continue reading this post, it will ruin everything.:)

It's really funny! Made me giggle all the way.. the "Me" is the author btw.

Adapted from http://diogenes-sinope.blogspot.com/

here goes--

A small village in rural England, the sort of place that has an unbelievably high murder rate and unaccountably inept local cops who must rely on sweet old ladies to solve crimes. Two men materialize in front of the gate of a palatial estate.

Yaxley: HAI I IZ DEATHEATER NOT APPEARING IN PREVIOUS BOOKS. YOU HAS NEWS?

Snape: Of course I have news. I'm an evil genius of unaccountable intelligence.

YAXLEY: THAT IZ GOOD. WE B FRENDS?

Snape: Come on, Lord Voldiething is waiting.

YAXLEY: LOOK MALFOY BE HAVING ALBINO PEACOCKS LOLOLOLOLZ!

They enter Malfoy Manor where all the Death Eaters are seated around a SPECTRE table arguing how to take over the world. There is a body floating over the table, but no one is looking at it.

Voldemort: Snape, Yaxley, you're very nearly late. Sit down and have a doughnut, then tell your news.

Snape: The Order of the Phoenix will move Potter from Privet Drive on Saturday.

YAXLEY: LOLZ! THAT IZ NOT WHUT I HERD. THEY IZ MOVING HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

Snape: Yaxley, you capering baboon, you're clearly being fed misinformation. Who is Voldemort going to believe, me, or some guy who didn't appear until the seventh book?

Voldemort: Quite right. Snape, I expect you to have plans ready to ambush Potter. Now, I'm going to need a different wand to deal with Potter. Let's see, which of my Death Eaters should I symbolically castrate by taking their wand ... Lucius, you're still on my shit-list, give me yours.

Lucius: Yes, Lord Voldiething.

Voldemort: Hmm, Lucius, your wand is quite a bit shorter than what I'm used to. Only about five and a half inches isn't it?

Lucius: Six, my Lord.

Voldemort: And not as rigid as I'd like. But it'll do. Now Yaxley, how goes our plan to take over the Ministry?

YAXLEY: WE B DOING BY CHAPTER 8.

Voldemort: Excellent. Next order of business, I understand Bellatrix and Cissy have a new addition to their family.

Bellatrix and Narcissa: Whut?Voldemort: Your niece Tonks married the werewolf Lupin.

Death Eaters: LOL!

Voldemort: Don't worry, Draco, if they need you to babysit their cubs, I'll let you out of your duties for the evening.

Death Eaters: LOLOLOLOLZ!

Voldemort: Shut up! And now to show how evil I am, I'm going to kill a random character. Levitating over the table, you might've noticed Professor Burbage of the Muggle Studies department at Hogwarts. You may never've heard of her, because she's never actually been given a name until now, but I hope the ease with which I point my wand at her and say, "Avada Kadevera" will erase any doubts from your minds that I'm not the baddest motherfucker on the block. Now, are there any more chocolate-glazed left?

***Harry Potter is spending an expository Saturday unpacking his school trunk fully for the first time since Book 1. Being a messy little berk who never listened to his Aunt Petunia about cleaning, the bottom of the trunk is full of detritus from many years at school. One such bit is a shard of the mirror that Sirius gave him in Book 5.

"Hmm," Harry thinks, "this never actually served any purpose in the plot, and I haven't spent any time angsting over the fact that if I'd used it instead of breaking into Umbridge's office, Sirius would still be alive. But since there can't be any loose ends in this story, I better keep this shard in case it comes in handy later."

Now bored with reminiscing over six books worth of backstory, Harry sits down to read the paper, letting the Daily Prophet do the expositing for him. First up is an obit for Dumbledore written by his old friend Elphias Doge, which tells about what a stand-up bloke ol' Albus was, and how he took care of his poor, sick sister until she died. But it's followed by an article on Rita Skeeter's new tell-all biography which promises to dish the real dirt on Dumbledore.

Later Harry goes downstairs to say good-bye to the Dursleys, who are about to be spirited away by the Order in case Lord Voldiething was crazy enough to try to get to Harry through them. Harry doesn't understand why the Order's wasting the effort when everyone he knows is privately hoping the whole lot will get AKed by Death Eaters. But Hestia Jones and Dedelus Diggle show up on schedule to take the Dursleys away, though not before getting offended that the Dursleys don't fall down and worship Harry as their lord and savior.

Harry: No biggie. They've always been jerks to me, why should this be any different. They've always thought I'm a waste of space.

Dudley: I don't.

Harry: Whut?

Dudley (near tears): I don't think you're a waste of space. You're ... you're my hero. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Harry: WTF?

Dudley: Gimme a hug!

Harry: Okay, time for the Dursleys to go bye-bye.

Hestia and Dedelus hustle the Dursleys out the door, leaving Harry totally alone. He wonders if he has enough time to jerk off in peace for the first time in years, but before he can even unzip his fly, half the Order of the Phoenix shows up -- Moody, Lupin, Arthur, Kingsley, Bill, Fleur, Hagrid, Tonks, Ron, Hermione, Mundungus, Fred, and George. Moody explains that they've leaked misinformation to Lord Voldiething, and he won't be expecting Harry to leave until his birthday, four days hence. But he might have Death Eaters stationed as look-outs, so to fool them, Fleur, Ron, Hermione, Dung, Fred, and George will be drinking polyjuice potion and immitating Harry, then everyone will split up and go their separate ways. Harry doesn't like putting everyone in danger, but reluctantly agrees. The six decoys drink their polyjuice and transform into Harry. They begin changing into Harry-sized clothes right there in the kitchen.

Harry: Hey, hey, hey! Have some modesty!

Hermione: Why? It doesn't matter if you see me naked, because it's not my body.

Harry: No, it's mine!

Hermione: So there's nothing you haven't seen before.

Fleur begins making googly eyes at Bill.

Fleur: You know Bill, zees is geeving me ideas.

Harry: Oh! Oh! Oh! That's not right!

With everyone dressed, they go outside and mount their rides. Harry's in the sidecar of Sirius's old motorcycle, which is now driven by Hagrid. They take off -- and are immediately attacked by Death Eaters. Death Eaters to the left of them. Death Eaters to the right. Death eaters to the front. Suddenly Hedwig dies in a blur text! Millions of children around the world scream while their parents curse Rowling. But Rowling just cackles madly, secure in the knowledge that she's richer than the Queen and has gonads the size of bowling balls.

A vicious aerial battle ensues. Harry's blasting Death Eaters off their brooms left and right until ... he sees Stan Shunpike.

"WTF?" he wonders and hesitates before settling on "expelliarmus" instead of a stunner. The Death Eaters recognize this pussy move as a trade mark of Harry's and summon Lord Voldiething to join them. The bike's hit and starts going down, with Voldie in hot pursuit. Harry's wand acts on its own and blasts Voldemort, who dodges and continues closing on Harry. But just as the shit hits the inside of Harry's drawers, Voldie breaks off -- Harry and Hagrid have managed to make it inside the protective charms of their destination, Tonks' parents' house.

Harry and Hagrid take a portkey to the Burrow, where Molly and Ginny are waiting expectantly. None of the others have returned yet. Cue tense dramatic music.Finally Lupin and George turn up, but George is missing an ear. Oh no, another maimed Weasley! This doesn't bode well for the others. Who still lives? Who died? The tense music ratchets up. Minutes pass. Kingsley and Hermione show up uninjured. More time passes. The music gets even tenser. Fred and Arthur show up.

Fred: ZOMFG MY BROTHER LOST HIZ EAR! WE R NOT IDENTICAL. HOW U FEEL?

George: Saint-like.Fred: WHUT?

George: Holy!Fred: LOLZ!

George: Call me One-Ear Weasley.

Fred: LOLOLOLOLZ! 'EAR 'EAR!

But this only relieves the tension slightly. Half the escorts still aren't back. Finally Ron and Tonks show up, followed shortly by Bill and Fleur who have bad news -- Mundungus Fletcher turned chickenshit at the sight of Death Eaters and apparated away, leaving Mad-Eye to be killed by Voldemort.

Arthur: OMFG, it's not even page 100, and three characters are dead.

Hermione: But Burbage doesn't really count. I was the only one who took her classes, and I barely even mentioned her.

Ron: But if they killed Hedwig, anyone can die. Even me, and I still haven't told Hermione how much I love her.

Hermione: What was that last bit?

Ron: Nothing.

***A few days pass, and the Weasleys busy themselves in preparation for Bill and Fleur's wedding. Ron, Harry and Hermione barely have time to discuss their plans for Horcrux hunting, but finally Harry gets them alone.

Harry: I've been thinking and--

Ron: You think it's too dangerous.

Hermione: And we shouldn't come along.

Harry: How did you know that?

Hermione: Harry, you're a good guy, but as characters go you're kinda predictable. And anyways, we are going.

Ron: Yeah, we've made preparations and everything. I've bewitched the ghoul who lives in the attic to look like me with spattergroit, so if anyone wonders why I'm not at school my parents will have something to say.

Hermione: And I used a memory charm on my parents.

Harry: Whut?

Hermione: I altered their memories so they think they're a retired couple with no children who are moving to Australia to live.

Harry: Whut?

Ron: Wow, Hermione, that is fucking hardcore.

Hermione: Just call me John Holmes, bitch.

***Harry's birthday happens to be the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding, so he asks for just a small party, with Hagrid, Tonks, and Lupin present. That morning he's going downstairs for breakfast when Ginny calls him into her room to receive his present. When he walks in, he sees she has a bunch of candles and incense burning, and she's somehow procured a Barry White album, which is playing softly.

Ginny says, "I want to give you something extra special," and kisses him passionately.

Harry's wand presses uncomfortably against him in his pocket, and he feels the need to whip it out and shoot off some sparks. But just then Ron walks in.

Ron: Oi! Stop seducing my sister. And you, stop being such a round-heels. I'm tired of hearing stories about you in the boys dormitory.

***That night after dinner, Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic shows up with important news.

Scrimgeour: I IZ B COMING WIT NEWS OF DUMBLEDORES WILL. HE B LEAVING THINGS 2 HARRY RON AND HERMIONE.

Ron: Free stuff?

Scrimgeour: BUT FIRST I B KNOWING WHY HE IZ GIVING U THIS THINGS.

Hermione: Wait a minute, Dumbledore died a full month ago. Why has it taken so long to give us his things.

Scrimgeour: WIZARD PROBATE B A LONG PROCESS.

Hermione: Horsehockey. You were examining the items.

Scrimgeour: THAT IZ RITE. THAT B PROPER PROCESS.

Hermione: Actually, under Article 5, Section 3(c)iv of the Wizarding code, you can only do that if you suspect the objects contain dark magic or violate other regulations.

Scrimgeour and Hermione begin arguing the finer points of probate law.

Scrimgeour: U WANTING BEING WIZARD LAWYER?

Hermione: No, I want to do something useful with my life. Now just give us what Dumbledore left us.

Scrimgeour reluctantly gives Dumbledore's deluminator to Ron, a runic book of fairy tales to Hermione, and a snitch to Harry, which is supposedly the one he caught in his first Quidditch match.

Scrimgeour: THERE B 1 OTTER THING. DUMBLEDORE IZ LEAVING HARRY THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR. BUT THE SWORD NO B HIZ TO GIVE. IT BELONGS TO HOGWARTZ SO U CANT HAVE IT. NOW I B SAYING GOODNIGHT.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione spend the rest of the night debating what the gifts are for, but soon realize that Dumbledore was an inscrutable ass who could never give a straight answer.

***Fleur and Bill's wedding goes off without a hitch, but the reception afterwards is pure hell. Luna's father, Xenophilius Lovegood is wearing an arcane symbol that Viktor Krum claims is the sigil of Grindelwald, and gets into an argument. Harry, disguised as a distant cousin of the Weasleys, gets cornered by Ron's Aunt Muriel who tells him all sorts of nasty stories about Dumbledore -- apparently Big D's sister wasn't ill but a squib who was kept hidden in the cupboard under the stairs. After Dumbledore's mother died, the sister followed suit under mysterious circumstances, and Dumbledore got into a fist fight with his brother Aberforth at the funeral.

Just as Harry's about to have an existential crisis like he did in Book 5 after finding out his father was a jerk, Kingsley's patronus appears and announces Voldemort's staged a coup against the Ministry of Magic. All hell breaks loose, and a few seconds later Death Eaters start materializing.Hermione grabs Ron and Harry and apparates them into London. They're still wearing their wedding clothes, which is drawing unwanted attention, but Hermione reveals that she turned her beaded purse into a Handbag of Holding, and packed everything they'll need for their quest inside -- you know, just in case the wedding was unexpectedly attacked by Death Eaters and they had to make it on the lam with no notice.

After changing clothes in a dark alleyway, they try to find a cafe where they can sit and think. Along the way they're accosted by some drunken muggles.

Muggle 1: HAI BABY UR TEH SEX!

MUGGLE 2: OMFG UR HAWT! LOLOLOLOLZ! DUMP TEH GINGER AND COME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME.

Hermione restrains Ron and leads them into a cafe where she orders them some half-caf extra mocha latte espressos.

Ron: Muggles drink this shit? I want some pumpkin juice.

Just then some Death Eaters burst in and a big fight ensues. After knocking out the DEs, the trio escape to the one place they have a reasonable expectation of privacy -- 12 Grimmauld Place.

Ron: Are you sure this place is safe?

Hermione: Oh yes, Rowling's revised the rules for secret keepers again.(She previously said on her website that once the Secret Keeper dies, all those who have got to know the secret from the SC himself will not be able to pass the secret around. They won't be the new SCs.) Turns out that when the keeper dies, everyone who knows the secret becomes the new keeper. Snape of course knows where we are, but the Order's cast jinxes that'll prevent him from revealing the information to anyone else, so unless he shows up in person, we're safe.

The next morning, Harry explores the house, going to Sirius's old room for the first time and finding it covered with pictures from FHM and Harley Davidson brochures. As he leaves, he notices a sign on the door opposite Sirius's -- "Regulus Arcturus Black".

Harry: Hmm, this might be a clue. But what could it mean? Regulus Arcturus Black. Hey, his initials are RAB, just like the guy who stole the locket from the cave. I wonder if they're the same person? Wow, Hermione will be so proud that I used my brain for once.

After discussing things with Hermione and Ron, they decide to call upon Kreacher and interrogate him to see if he knows where the locket disappeared to.

Ron: Just don't start any of that SPEW shit again, Hermione. Three books of it is more than enough.

Hermione: I won't drop it until it has some dramatic pay-off, so quit asking.

Kreacher appears at Harry's command and begins muttering about mudbloods and blood-traitors, but Harry orders him to be quiet and tell them about Regulus and the locket.According to Kreacher, Regulus loaned him to Voldemort so Voldie could set up the protections around the Horcrux in the cave. When he was through, Voldie left Kreacher stranded on the island to die. Just as the elf was about to be eaten by inferi, Regulus commanded Kreacher to return, and he apparated to Grimmauld Place. Regulus really didn't like Voldemort's treatment of the elf, so he vowed revenge, taking Kreacher back with him to the cave. Knowing he'd die if he drank the potion protecting the Horcrux, Regulus instructed Kreacher to take the locket back to Grimmauld place and destroy it if he could -- which of course he couldn't, because Horcruxes have to be taken to Mount Doom, in the heart of Mordor, and thrown into the fiery depths. Or at least stabbed by a basilisk tooth. And so the locket stayed in the house for years, until after Sirius' death Mundungus Fletcher showed up and began stealing heirlooms to fence in Diagon Alley.

Harry: We need your help Kreacher.

Kreacher: Filthy blood traitors and their mudblood friend need my help, do they?

Ron: Don't call her a mudblood you filthy sub-human!

Hermione: Harry, Ron, can I talk to you?

Harry: Sure, what is it.

Hermione: Don't you get it?

Harry: Whut?

Hermione: Of course you don't. Dumbledore knew you were a moron the moment you stepped into Hogwarts, and asked me to befriend you and make sure you kept your grades up so you'd make it through long enough to fulfill his plan. Six years of my life wasted feeding you answers, you dim-witted shitard.

Harry: What, I didn't hear that.

Hermione: Kreacher didn't love Regulus and the rest of the family because they were dark wizards. He loved them because they treated him kindly. And he hated Sirius, who was always an ass to him. That's why Winky was so loyal to Mr. Crouch, who was always good to her, but Dobby betrayed the Malfoys, who punished him severely.

Harry: So ... if I treat Kreacher well, he'll do what he's told without trying to double-cross us?

Ron: I still don't trust the little snot-rag.

Harry: Kreacher, I have a task for you. Go out and find Mundungus and bring him here. And here, this is the locket Regulus had when he went to the cave. I think he'd want you to have it.

And in Whoville that day, Kreacher's heart grew three sizes. And he said, "Yes master, I will find the nasty, tricksy Mundungus and drag him here by the hair!"

***But days went by without Kreacher returning. The trio sat in Grimmauld place with nothing to do, while Death Eaters gathered outside, sure number 12 was somewhere close by even though they couldn't see it. Then one afternoon late in summer, Lupin drops by for tea, bringing news of the world at large. Seems Voldemort kept his take over of the Ministry quiet -- the official line is Scrimgeour resigned to spend more time with his family (in Hell!) and the new Minister, one Thicknesse, is implementing many reforms. Most people know there's something up, but they're too scared to say anything. Members of the Order are under constant surveillance, and they've put out wanted notices for Harry, saying he murdered Dumbledore. The Ministry's "reforms" include rounding up first-generation mudbloods and sending them to Azkaghraib, on the grounds that muggles don't give birth to wizards, so mudbloods must be stealing their powers from real wizards. The Ministry has also made attendance at Hogwarts compulsory.

Hermione: Well, that doesn't sound to bad. Most liberal Western societies have compulsory education for underage children.

Lupin: Nah, it's just Voldemort's ploy to make sure everyone's taught his new order. He's appointed a new headmaster -- Snape. And placed Death Eaters in teaching positions. I guess it's a good thing you're dropping out to go on this quest. Mind telling me what it is.

Harry: Sorry, Dumbledore told me to keep it secret.

Lupin: Then let me come along, just don't tell me what we're doing.

Ron: Don't you, uh, have a wife to be looking after.

Lupin: Yeah, well, see, I knocked her up on our wedding night, and she doesn't want to put out while she's pregnant, so it's going to be like seven months before I have any reason to return home.

Hermione: That is disgusting! Go back to Tonks right this instant and apologize. No, I take that back, stop by the corner market and pick up some ice cream and pickles for her to eat.

Bastard.Lupin leaves, and a few minutes later Kreacher arrives with a struggling Mundungus. Harry thanks Kreacher and then begins interrogating Mundungus, who won't talk until Kreacher begins beating him over the head with a frying pan.

Harry: Kreacher, stop.

Kreacher: Perhaps one more. For luck.

Ron: LOLOLOLZ!

The trio soon discover that Mundungus had the locket, but he gave it to Dolores Umbridge as a bribe so she'd ignore his peddling stolen goods in Diagon Alley.

***And so the trio begin making plans to break into the Ministry and steal the locket from Umbridge -- because it's obviously easier to sneak the most wanted wizard in Britain into the Ministry, which has now had its security reinforced, than to discover where Umbridge lives and raiding her home. But at least they have sense enough to make a plan this time, instead of simply barging into the Ministry in the middle of the night.No, this time they're going to be sneaky, and ambush three Ministry officials who arrive for work early, and use polyjuice potion to imitate them. The plan works fine, until they get past the lobby. Harry's disguise is fine -- he's a bad-ass Death Eater whom no one's going to question, but Ron's a maintenance worker who gets cornered by Death Eater Yaxley.

Yaxley: UR BEING MAINTENANCE WORKER CATTERMOLE? UR WIFE IZ BEING TRIED B4 MUGGLE-BORN REGISTRATION COMMISSION TODAY. I IZ ON COMMISSION. IT B RAINING IN MY OFFICE. MAKE STOP RANE IF YOU B WANTING UR WIFE GET OFF.

And to top it off, Hermione is Mafalda Hopkirk, who's needed by Umbridge to take notes at the same Muggle-Born Registration Commission hearings. This leaves Harry to sneak into Umbridge's office on his own, though of course the locket isn't there. With nothing else to do, he puts on his invisibility cloak and sneaks into the Muggle-Born Commission hearings just in time to see Mary Cattermole being brought before the tribunal, which consists of Umbridge, Yaxley, and Hermione/Mafalda.

Umbridge: Mrs. Cattermole, if that is your name, is it not true that you are muggle born?

Mrs. Cattermole: That's correct.

Umbridge: Do you weigh more than a duck?

Mrs. Cattermole: What?

Umbridge: It's a simple question, do you weigh more than a duck?

Mrs. Cattermole: Of course I do.

Umbridge: Interesting. Interesting. And your parents are greengrocers, very unfortunate, you dirty mudblood. This isn't looking good for you, you know.

Harry: Of for Christ's sake! Stupefy!Harry whips off his cloak and blasts Umbridge and Yaxley.
Hermione takes the locket from Umbridge.

Hermione: What happened to our plan?

Harry: Changed my mind. Come on, there are tons more muggle-borns out in the hall, we have to get them out of here.

So Harry and Hermione herd the muggle-borns up to the lobby, telling them to go home, get their families, and flee the country, but by the time they get to the main entrance security's been alerted and the exits are being closed, but Harry uses his Death Eater disguise to get the muggle-borns out. It might even have worked, if Ron hadn't shown up just then, followed closely by the real Mr. Cattermole. Even TSA employees could figure out something's wrong, and the Death Eaters in security are smarter than TSA employees. The trio make a run for it and apparate as soon as they're clear of the Ministry, but one of the Death Eaters grabs ahold of Hermione and follows them to Grimmauld place. Hermione realizes this means their security's compromised and shakes him loose before apparating into a forest.

***Hermione, of course, has thought of everything, and packed a wizarding tent in her handbag, so the trio can live fairly comfortably, though they lack food. They spend the following weeks wandering constantly, never staying put for more than a few days at a time. During their meanderings around England, they realize the first problem with their quest -- they don't have anything to destroy a Horcrux with, so they have to carry the locket with them until they come up with something. But like another small, golden dingus imbued with part of an Evil Overlord's soul, carrying the locket around their necks for too long affects their moods, making them despair. Even taking turns with the locket doesn't help matters much, and Ron takes it worst, reverting to emo-Ron from Book 4.Meanwhile, Harry finds himself having waking dreams about Voldemort, the connection between their minds becoming stronger once more. Luckily for Harry, he only ever glimpses important, plot advancing events, and never anything mundane like Voldie sitting on the toilet, or having breakfast. Harry sees Voldie torturing Olivander, the wandmaker who disappeared in the previous book, for information on the workings of wands. When that proves to be no use, Voldie sets out for the continent, in search of the wandmaker Gregorovitch. When he tracks him down, Gregorovitch denies having what Voldemort's searching for. Voldie uses legilimency to look into Gregorovitch's mind and learns that the object he wants was stolen by a young blonde boy long ago.

One night while camping, the trio overhears some other people nearby. Without giving their location away, they listen in on the conversation, which is between several goblins and muggle-borns who are on the lam, among them Dean Thomas and Tonks' father Ted. Seems lots of wizards and goblins are taking to the hills rather than submit, but many people are losing hope since it seems Harry has left the country. One of the goblins, Griphook, relates a story he heard from Bill Weasley before leaving Gringotts -- it seems that Ginny, Neville, and Luna were caught breaking into Snape's office and stealing the Sword of Gryffindor. Snape sent them to the Forbidden Forest for detention with Hagrid, then shipped the sword to Bellatrix Lestrange's vault at Gringotts. But, according to Griphook, the sword they received was a fake, not made from goblins.

Ron: Man, I wish I was back at Hogwarts breaking into the Headmaster's office. It'd be something to do, instead of sitting here doing nothing. Excuse me, I'm going to go listen to The Smiths.

Hermione: Harry, I just realized something. Goblin-forged steel takes on the properties of substances its exposed to. And since you used the sword to kill the basilisk, that means it has the properties of a basilisk -- if we had the sword we could destroy the locket.

But they don't know where the sword is any more than they know about the other Horcruxes. They spend months crisscrossing England with no luck. And all the time Ron's becoming more depressed, moving past The Smiths into Rainer Maria and the Silversun Pickups. Hermione's attempts to cheer him up with some ska music do no good. Finally one night he throws a hissy-fit about how Harry doesn't know what he's doing, and when Hermione doesn't back him up, he walks out like the whiney bitch he is.

***Harry and Hermione spend many more pages wandering the countryside, pausing occasionally to mail out videotapes of Harry, now with a bushy long beard and sitting in mountain meadows, threatening the Great Satan Voldemort if he does not withdraw his troops from Diagon Alley. Hermione insists they make a bunch of these videos, all containing non-specific rants, so they can continue to send them out even if Harry dies in a cave somewhere never to be found. But they needn't worry, because Voldemort has pretty much given up looking for them and is busy sending mudbloods to Azkaghraib and plotting the invasion of Iraq. Okay, maybe that last part isn't accurate.Anyway, winter comes and they still haven't figured out where the Sword of Gryffindor or the remaining Horcruxes are. Harry's been suggesting for months that they visit Godric's Hollow, but Hermione's been gainsaying him constantly. But suddenly she changes her mind.

Hermione: I think we should definitely go. I've been thinking, and Dumbledore probably figured that the Ministry of Magic wouldn't let us have the sword, so he substituted a fake one and hid the real one somewhere he knew we'd be bound to look. Like Godric's Hollow.

Harry: How do you figure?

Hermione: It's GODRIC's Hollow.

Harry: So?

Hermione: We're looking for the sword of GODRIC Gryffindor.

Harry: Yeah?

Hermione: So ... Dumbledore would've expected us to look for the sword in Gryffindor's home town.

Harry: Where's that? Hogsmead?

Hermione: No, Godric's Hollow.

Harry: Huh, I never knew that.

Hermione: Tell me, Harry, did Fred and George routinely beat you over the head during Quidditch practice.

Harry: Yeah, they said it was part of the warm-ups.

Hermione: We are so fucking doomed.

Harry: What was that?

Hermione: Nothing.

***And so on Christmas Eve Harry and Hermione apparated to Godric's Hollow and spent a merry evening wandering around to see the sights -- the enchanted war memorial that turned into a Potter memorial for wizards, and the vacant lot where the Potter house used to stand, the dark alley where Harry had been conceived one Halloween night, which was now full of broken beer bottles, hypodermic needles, and discarded condoms. And finally, they visited the cemetery and set about searching for the Potter plot. Before they find it, though, Hermione spots something else, a gravestone for one Ignotus Peverell, which has a curious mark engraved upon it.

Hermione: I've seen this before. It's in the book of fairy tales Dumbledore left me.

Harry: I've seen it to. Remember, this is what Luna's father was wearing at the wedding -- Krum thought it was Grindelwald's symbol. Do you think it's important?

Hermione: No dear, I'm sure it's just a meaningless coincidence.

They eventually find the Potters' graves.

Harry: Hermione, look at this. The dates on these graves. My parents were born in 1960 and died in 1981. That means it's late 1996 right now. By the time anyone reads this, I'll be like 27.

Hermione: You know what this means, Harry? Your mother ... your mother had Farrah hair!

Harry: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so, as always happens when Harry thinks of his mother, Harry drops to his knees and cries like a little bitch. Hermione spots something moving by the edge of the cemetery. She pulls Harry away and they go to investigate. What they find is an extremely frail old woman whom they recognize as Bathilda Bagshot, the author of their History of Magic text book, and, as they know from Rita Skeeter's articles, an old friend of Dumbledore's.Bathilda's strangely silent as she leads Harry and Hermione back to her house, but the pair follow in the hopes that she has exposition to give them. "

We haven't had any real info dumps since we overheard Dean and the others camping. It's about time we get some," Hermione said.

When they reach Bathilda's house, she leads Harry upstairs alone. In her bedroom, Harry looks around and notices some old pictures, including one of Dumbledore and the blonde teenager who robbed Gregorovitch. He picks it up to look at it, then hears something strange behind him. Harry turns and sees Bathilda doing something very odd.

Harry: Mrs. Bagshot, are you trying to seduce me?

Suddenly Bathilda's head falls of and Voldemort's snake, Nagini, shoots out of her shoulders.

Harry: WTF?

Nagini: PWND!

The snake attacks Harry,Harry: WTF!?!?!?!?!?Hermione rushes in, grabs Harry, and apparates them away, though in the process she breaks Harry's wand. Harry loses consciousness and has a vision of Voldemort flying to Bathilda's house and finding the picture of Dumbledore and the blonde man.When he regains consciousness, he tells Hermione about the vision.

Harry: I know I've seen the blonde guy before.Hermione: Well, he was in a picture with Dumbledore. I just happen to have a copy of Rita Skeeter's book in my Handbag of Holding. Let's see if he's in here. Hmm is this it?

Harry looks and sees the man from the picture. He looks over at the caption, which identifies him as Grindelwald. Not believing it, Harry starts reading the book, which records a most unbelievable story -- after Dumbledore's mom died and Big D. settled down to take care of his family, Grindelwald came to visit his aunt Bathilda. Dumbledore and Grindelwald became BFFs, and exchanged letters detailing their plans to overthrow muggle governments and rule as beneficent dictators, killing only those who got in their way. Skeeter also claims that Grindelwald left the country on the very night that Dumbledore's sister died, and insinuates that the two young wizards had decided to put their theories into effect by starting on Dumbledore's squib sister.

Harry: Jesus Christ, can't I have one parental figure who wasn't a complete ass at some point?

Hermione: Well, Dumbledore was young when he thought those things.

Harry: He was our age!

***A few nights later, Harry is sitting watch when he sees something move in the woods. He looks and sees a patronus -- a silver doe -- moving through the forest. He gets and follows it to a frozen pool. Looking down he sees the Sword of Gryffindor under the ice.

Harry: Well, that's an unexpected plot contrivance.So he uses his wand to break the ice and dives in, but when he grabs the sword, the locket chain tightens around his throat.

"Ack," he thinks, "this isn't Lord of the Rings!"

But the locket won't let go, and just as he's about to pass out a hand reaches down and grabs him.

Harry: Ron!

Harry rushes to embrace his friend, but Ron holds his arms up to stop him.

Ron: Whoa mate, you're naked. At least cover your junk first.

Harry: It's okay, the water's cold so it's all shrivelled up.

They hug.

Both: Fag!Ron says he'll retrieve the sword, and Harry sits down and tries to warm up with his wand. Ron comes back up with the sword.

Ron: All right, now you can destroy the locket.

Harry: No, Ron, I think the honor should be yours. You retrieved the sword.

Ron: I don't want to. That's the reason I left -- any time I wore it, it'd talk to me. Tell me awful things. I couldn't stand it.

Harry: Well, all you have to do is destroy. That's the way these things go. The heroes journey and all that Star Wars BS.

Ron: Well, okay.He raises the sword but hesitates. Then the locket opens up and two figures emerge -- shades of Harry and Hermione.!

Hermione: HAI LOOK THE WEASEL KING IZ GOING TO KILL US!!!!!11!!!!!11!!!! LOLOLOLOLZ!!

Harry: LOLOLOLOLZ! ROONIL, NOBODY LIKEZ U. UR A LUSER! EVEN UR MOM HATES U. SHE TOLD ME SHE WISHED I WAZ HER SON!!

Hermione: WHUT WOMAN WOULD EVER WANT U. U ARE A LUSER. ESPECIALLY WHEN COMPARED TO HIM.!

Hermione and !Harry begin to make out passionately, throwing each other's clothes off. Ron launches himself at them, hacking them to pieces, then turns and smashes the locket. There's a horrible scream as the locket shoots blood-like goo everywhere.

Harry: Ron, you should know better than to fear things like that. Why after you left, Hermione cried for weeks. She may've been on the rag for a few of those days, but not the whole time. She really missed you. And at night when I was standing watch, I'd hear her making weird moaning noises in her sleep and calling your name.

Ron: There's nothing between you.

Harry: She's like a sister to me. I think of her like you think of Ginny. And I think of Ginny like you think of Hermione.

Ron: You sonuvabitch!Ron chases Harry back to the tent where they wake up Hermione. But Hermione is in no mood to see Ron.

Hermione: You bastard. You thought you could just walk out and leave us [...][5 pages later] and another thing, you're an inconsiderate git! If your mother were here, she'd paddle your ass, but I guess I'll have to do it instead.

Ron: Re-sult!Hermione eventually calms down and Ron has a chance to tell his story, which is even less eventful than what happened to Harry and Hermione. He apparated away and ran into a band of Snatchers, bounty hunters looking for runaway goblins, underage wizards, and muggle-borns. Ron spun a line of BS to get away and ended up at Bill's house because he was too ashamed to face his parents. Bad things are going on out there -- lots of muggle-borns have been killed, most of the Order is in hiding, and the Ministry's set up a spell to detect anyone saying "Voldiepants". He sat in his room for the better part of a month playing with his deluminator and thinking about Hermione. Then one night the deluminator produced a deus-ex-machina which transported him into the forest where he found Harry.

Hermione: Well that was convenient.

***The next day Hermione suggests they go visit Luna's father to question him about the mysterious symbol he was wearing at Bill's wedding, and maybe learn what's going on at Hogwarts from Luna, who should be there on break. They arrive at the Lovegood place, a tower a few miles from the Burrow and greet Mr. Lovegood, who looks none to pleased to see them, even though the Quibbler has been keeping up a constant stream of pro-Potter/anti-Voldemort stories.His house is full of the wizarding equivalent of crystals and pyramids, including one object he insists is a crumple-horn snorkack horn, though Hermione insists it's something else entirely, and potentially explosive. Mr. Lovegood ignores her and explains that Luna is off fishing somewhere, and he'll send for her.

Me: Yay Luna!

When he comes back Hermione asks about the symbol, which he in turn explains is an ancient sign representing the ... DEATHLY HALLOWS. And so, after 404 pages, we finally come to the title.

The Hallows, Mr. Lovegood says, are mysterious artifacts associated with an old wizarding fairy tale called "The Three Brothers." Not coincidentally, this is one of the tales in the book Dumbledore gave Hermione. It's about a trio of brothers who outwit Death, and in payment Death offers them each a reward of their choice. The first brother asks for a wand that cannot be beaten in battle, the second for a way of making the dead return, and the third for a cloak of perfect invisibility. Death grants all their requests.

The first brother goes off and gets drunk at the first inn he comes to and brags about his new wand. That night someone sneaks into his room and murders him for it.

The second brother returns to his bachelor pad and uses the resurrection stone to call back his dead love, but he finds himself unable to touch her. Eventually he kills himself so he can be with her truly.

But the third brother goes off under his cloak and lives a full life, then one day he decides he's had enough, removes the cloak, and greets Death as an old friend.

Hermione: It's very metaphorical. Those who try to avoid death bring him sooner, while those who accept him will live long lives.

Mr. Lovegood: That's not it at all, silly girl. The Hallows are real. The wand in particular has a long and bloody recorded history.

Hermione: There are plenty of tales of uber-wands, but they don't amount to much, just wizards with giant egos trying to convince people that their's is the most powerful. No one's ever seen this stone, and there are plenty of invisibility cloaks out there.

Mr. Lovegood: Enchanted bits of cloth that lose their charm with age. But a cloak that doesn't wear, that continues to work for more than a few years, there's never been anything like that apart from the Hallows.Ron, Hermione and Harry look at each other.

Me: Where's Luna?

Hermione: So all these objects are real?

Mr. Lovegood: Of course, just like the crumple-horn snorkack. Excuse me, I need to check something. I'll be right back.

Ron: Harry, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Harry: Yes, Ron, but where are we going to hang a nargle-infested sprig of mistletoe over Voldemort?

Ron: No, the uber-wand! Think of what we could do with that.

Hermione: Ron, how many times do I have to tell you, it doesn't matter how powerful your wand is -- it's all about how you wave it.

Harry: Jesus, will you two just fuck already!Harry gets up in disgust and wanders around the room. He sees the stairs leading up to Luna's room

Me: Jeez, where is Luna already? We've already had two chapters with her father and she hasn't shown up.Harry climbs the stairs and sees that Luna's painted her room with a mural of him, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville, and linked them all with a fine chain of the word "friends" repeated over and over.

Me: Awwww. I wish Harry would kick that slut Ginny to the curb and go out with Luna instead.

Looking around, Harry notices the room is rather dusty and there aren't any clothes in the wardrobe. He climbs down the stairs.

Harry: Mr. Lovegood! Where's Luna?

Me: Finally!

Mr. Lovegood: She'll be along shortly.

Harry: No one's been in her room for a while.

Hermione: Harry, look at this.She's picked up a copy of the Quibbler which shows Harry on the front, captioned "UNDESIRABLE #1".

Mr. Lovegood: They've taken her, the Death Eaters. This is the only way.Harry looks out the window and sees a pair of Death Eaters approaching on brooms. Mr. Lovegood tries to stun the trio, but he misses and blows up the faux snorkack horn, creating a mess of rubble where the trio can hide, hoping the Death Eaters will assume Mr. Lovegood is just a crank and leave. But the DEs aren't entirely dim for once. Hermione throws the invisibility cloak over Ron, then blasts a hole in the wall so the DEs will see Harry before the apparate and not harm Mr. Lovegood.

***And so it's back to the woods for the trio, for more fun adventures of sitting around doing nothing for months on end while they wait for the plot to fall into their laps. Let's here it for proactive protags! The trio spend most of their time, when they aren't gathering nuts and berries, debating whether they should continue after the Horcruxes or go after the Deathly Hallows.

Hermione: But they don't exist. It's completely absurd to believe in them.

Harry: But dragons, three headed dogs, philosopher stones, extendable ears are believable?

Hermione: That's not the point. Who's ever seen any of these objects.

Ron: Well, there are lots of stories about wizards who've owned super-wands. Maybe they're all teh same one, the uber-wand.

Hermione: Notice how all those legends involve wizards, never witches. Clearly they were trying to compensate for other inadequacies by saying they had the biggest wand around.

Ron: I'd take it if I could. People would respect me then.

Hermione: Case in point.

Ron: Whut?

Harry: Anyway, we know the cloak exists -- my invisibility cloak has powers that normal ones don't. It's completely undetectable.

Hermione: True. Except by Moody's eye and the Marauders Map.

Harry: Details, details. It's obviously an uber-cloak. And I've been thinking, the ring Horcrux Dumbledore destroyed last year had a funny symbol on it, and it could've been the sign of the Deathly Hallows. So why can't the uber-wand be real? I think Voldepants thinks--

Death Eaters apparate around them. Hermione reacts immediately and curses Harry's face so it becomes covered with boils.

Ron: Didn't I tell you five chapters ago that the Ministry set up a spell that detects anyone saying You-Know-Who's name?

The Death Eaters put the trio with two other prisoners -- Dean Thomas, and the goblin Griphook. Thinking they've captured a bunch of truants, they're about to take the five of them to the Ministry for their reward when someone recognizes Hermione from a wanted poster. Again the Death Eaters aren't total idiots, proving the Voldemort's implemented stricter hiring measures since his return to power, and deduce that Ron must be a Weasley and pus-face is Harry. So instead of going to the Ministry, they decide to head for DE Central -- Malfoy Manor.

Narcissa: We can't just some the Dark Lord because we think we have Potter. We have to know the truth. Draco, come down here!Draco comes down from his bedroom, his eyes wide and glassy and a strange scent of incense clinging to him.

Draco: What do you need? I have something I need to do at 4:20.

Narcissa: Is this boy Harry Potter?Draco squints.Draco: I dunno. Is he?

Narcissa: What about these two? Do you recognize either of them?

Draco: Maybe. Can't tell.

Lucius: What are you talking about -- that's clearly the mudblood Granger, and this is one of the Weasleys. I don't know if that misshapen hulk is Potter, but he has something like a scar on his forehead.

Bellatrix: Then we should summon the Dark Lord. He will be most pleased with me. Perhaps he'll let me do that thing where I put a marshmallow in his--

Suddenly Bellatrix turned bright crimson. Harry realized there were many things he still didn't understand about the wizarding world.

Lucius: This is my house, I shall summon him.Lucius pulls up his sleeve and moves his hand to touch his Dark Mark, but then Bellatrix screams -- "STOP!" She's just seen one of the Death Eaters is holding the Sword of Gryffindor.

Bellatrix: If you summon him now, he'll punish us most severely.

Lucius: Not--

Bellatrix: Yes, I'm afraid it'll be the comfy chair for the lot of us. We must interrogate them before we summon the Dark Lord. Let's see, the mudblood first, I should think. Draco, fetch my leather bustier and the paddle -- no, better make it the riding crop.

Ron: No, not Hermione take me instead!Bellatrix looks at him appraisingly and shakes her head.

Bellatrix: Please. I'll take the goblin before you.Everyone but Hermione is taken to the cellar, where they're locked in with two other people -- Mr. Olivander, the wandmaker Voldemort had been interrogating, and Luna Lovegood. Hermione's screams can be heard from above.

Hermione: No! No! Not the clamps!Ron: You betch! Leave her alone!

Harry begins going through the pouch hanging around his neck, which in a stroke of authorial fiat the Malfoys hadn't confiscated, to see if he had anything useful. The snitch Dumbledore had given him, which served no purpose that he could determine. His broken wand. Ah-ha! The shard of the mirror Sirius had given him. If it was ever going to accomplish anything, now was the time. He looked into the sliver of glass and saw a bright blue eye staring back.

Harry: Dumbledore? Is that you? Anyway, I need help. We're in the Malfoy's basement.

Hermione: No, no, please don't tickle me. Not the feet. Anywhere but the feet!

Ron: If I ever get out of here, I'm going to kill Bellatrix.

There's a loud popping noise as Dobby apparates into the dungeon.

Harry: Thank God the author's on my side. Dobby, we need your help. Take Luna, Dean, Mr. Olivander, and Griphook to Ron's brother's house, then come back for us, okay?

Dobby: Mesa be doing whatever you be saying, masa!

Dobby takes everyone but Harry and Ron and apparates away, but Lucius here's the noise and sends Wormtail down to investigate. Harry has seen enough Star Trek episodes during his time with the Dursleys to know how to deal with the situation, and has Ron set a distraction with the deluminator so they can take Wormtail from behind.Even though Wormtail's a small little git who needs others to protect him, he manages to put up a good fight against two 17 year old boys. He's just about to strangle Harry, when Harry reminds him that he saved his life once. Wormtail hesitates for just a second, but that's all it takes. Wormtail's silver hand comes to life and starts to choke him. Wormtail struggles against it, but he can't stop. His last words are, "Mein Fuhrer, I can valk!"Harry takes Wormtail's wand and leads Ron upstairs to free Hermione. Yet another action sequence ensues, in which Harry manages to disarm Draco and Bellatrix, and free Hermione. Dobby apparates in and they grab ahold of him to leave, but just as they do Bellatrix hurls a dagger at them, catching Dobby in the heart. Bellatrix rawks!

***But even in death, Dobby's suckitude can't be stopped. Harry spends several minutes crying over his CGI corpse and empty, glassy eyes, then takes most of a chapter burying the miserable creature, then more time is wasted on a funeral service, the only highlight of which is that my beloved Luna gives a simple eulogy which leaves everyone else with nothing to say. And finally, the story can move on.

Harry: Listen, Bill, I need to talk to Olivander and the goblin Griphook.

Bill: They're both in a bad way, I'm afraid. I don't know that it'd be a good idea to bother them right now.

Harry: This is important. They both have vital, need-to-know exposition to give me.

Bill: Well, if it's a narrative expediency, I guess I can allow it.

Ron, Hermione, and Harry all go to Griphook's room.

Harry: The way I see it, Bellatrix wigged out when she saw the Sword of Gryffindor -- she must've figured we'd broken into her vault to get it. And she didn't want to call Voldemort after she realized that. Why? There must be something else in her vault, something that would make Voldemort very mad if we got.

Ron: Blimey, you don't think it's a Horcrux?

Harry: I do. And don't talk like such a cliche.

Hermione: So what we have to do is break into Gringotts.

Griphook: It'll be difficult. But I'll do it ... if you give me the Sword of Gryffindor. It's ours anyway. Gryffindor stole it.

Ron: No he didn't. He paid for it fair-and-square. Typical goblin behavior. All they're interested in is gold.

Hermione: Ron, STFU.

Harry: Okay, we'll give you the sword.

The trio get up to visit Mr. Olivander's room.

Harry: Mr. Olivander, I need you to give me an infodump on wands. How does a wand change masters.

Mr. Olivander: Any wand will work for any wizard, though some not as well as others. Normally a wand chooses its wizard, but if you take another wizard's wand during combat it will respect you as its rightful master.

Harry: This applies to all wands? Even the uber-wand?

Mr. Olivander: Legend says the uber-wand can only change hand by killing the rightful owner, but I suspect that's just a myth and it only changes hand in such a manner because so many people are after it. Defeating the owner in battle should suffice.Harry takes out the three wands they got at Malfoy Manor. Ron disarmed Wormtail, so he gets that one. Harry tests Bellatrix's and Draco's, and decides on Draco's, which is a bit short, but pleasantly thick in his hand. It feels right to him. This leaves Hermione with Bellatrix's.Later on the trio discuss what to do about giving Griphook the Sword of Gryffindor.

Ron: I don't like it. We need it for our mission. We should give him the fake sword from the vault.

Hermione: Ron, that would be extremely dishonest.

Ron: Cheating a goblin doesn't count. His kind are all money-grubbers looking to cheat wizards. They also steal our children and use their blood for religious ceremonies.

Hermione: That's not true.

Ron: It's all in the Protocols of Gobbledobble.

Hermione: Whatever. Griphook recognized the fake when Bellatrix took it to Gringotts in the first place; he'll recognize it if we try to pass it off to him.

Harry: I know. I've been thinking, and we didn't tell him when we'd turn the sword over, just after we break into the vault. I say we keep it with us until we destroy all the Horcruxes, then give it to him.

Hermione: You're just setting up an unnecessary plot complication.

Harry: Ooo, wait, I'm getting another plot-vision. Yes, it's You-Know-Who, and he's found the prison where Grindelwald's at.

Voldemort: You have knowledge of the uber-wand.

Grindelwald: Don't know what you're talking about, chap.

Voldemort: Tell me all you know.

Grindelwald: Don't think that tiny snake head could hold it all.

Voldemort: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Grindelwald: Please, I was doing this schtick when you were still wiggling around in your daddy's nutsack.

Voldemort: Never mention my father!

Grindelwald: When you go, can you turn the light out.

Voldemort: Do not taunt the evil overlord!

Grindelwald: Sonny boy, I'm the evil overlord. You're a young upstart with delusions of grandeur. And I haven't got the wand, so you're wasting my time.

Voldemort: Who has it?

Grindelwald: Dunno. Your minions killed the man who took it from me.

Voldemort: Shiznit!

Voldie flies away to Scotland and Hogwarts. He breaks into the ground and blasts open Dumbledore's grave. Voldemort pries the wand from Big D's cold, dead hands.Voldemort: WIN.

***The next night Remus Lupin stopped by with news that Tonks had delivered her baby, Ted.

Lupin: Thank God. Hopefully she'll put out again before her boobies stop swelling. Anyway, it's a good thing Harry's here since I wanted to ask him to be the godfather to wee Teddy.

Harry: Me?

Lupin: Yeah, if we die in this war, someone has to look after Teddy. Who better than a 17 year old boy who's living in the woods, on the run from the entire magical government?

***A few days later the trio and Griphook set off to Gringotts. Since polyjuice potion had worked so well at the Ministry of Magic, Hermione's using it to impersonate Bellatrix, using a hair she found on her sweater after Bellatrix interrogated her. Luckily this time it's actually the right person's hair, and not a cat's as happened when they used polyjuice potion back in Book 2. With Harry and Griphook under the invisibility cloak, and Ron disguised with a beard, the four manage to make it all the way through the lobby before being caught, at which point they make a mad dash into the vaults, engaging on an Indiana Jones style chase through the stygian pits of Gringotts.Bellatrix's vault is in the most secure part of the bank, guarded by a dragon. The four get in, manage to find the fourth Horcrux, Helga Hufflepuff's cup, but by the time they're ready to leave security has them surrounded. There's naught to do but abandon Griphook, who now has the sword, and ride the dragon out of there.

***They manage to dismount the dragon when it stops for a drink of water in rural England, but they're back in the position of having a Horcrux and nothing to destroy it with, nor having any idea where the remaining Horcruxes are. Luckily Harry has a vision of Voldemort at that moment which reveals much.Voldemort is at the SPECTRE table again, Death Eaters and Gringotts goblins around him. He's just learned of the break in and begins walking around the table.

Voldemort: A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms. What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Quidditch! A chaser flies alone towards the hoops, quaffle in hand. This is the time for what? For individual achievement.

There he soars alone. But on the pitch, what? Part of a team. Teamwork. Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Dodges bludgers and scores points all the live-long day, Viktor Krum, Gwenog Jones, and so on, but if his team don't field ... what is he? You follow me? He's no one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans, what does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself, but I get nowhere unless the team wins.Voldemort picks up a broomstick and bashes in the head of the goblin who brought the bad news. Then, for good measure, he AKs a few Death Eaters, because nothing builds loyalty better than randomly murdering underlings.Harry hears Voldemort's thoughts -- he's wondering how the Potter brat found out about Horcruxes, and whether he knew about the others. He's going to check on them -- start with old Gaunt's house first, then the cave. Hogwarts last, but he'll let Snape know to be on the lookout.

Harry: That's it! The last Horcrux is at Hogwarts. We have to go now.

Hermione: Now? Are you crazy? We need to plan.

Harry: He'll be there in hours, and he'll move it. We have to get their first, and we have to stage a climactic battle in the process, so be it.

***The trio apparates to Hogsmead, but they're violating the curfew and their presence activates alarms. Yeah, who could've foreseen that? The trio spends a few minutes running around, shooting patronuses at Dementors and ducking curses, until a voice calls out to them -- "Psst, over here."The proprietor of the Hog's Head tavern ushers them in and tells them to wait up stairs. They hear the Death Eaters approach the door and demand if the proprietor saw Harry Potter go by. The proprietor denies seeing anything.

Death Eater: We saw his patronus come down this street.Proprietor: That was mine you idiot -- keep your Dementors away from my store.

Death Eater: That was a stag.Proprietor: It was a GOAT!

The proprietor slams the door and comes upstairs.

Harry: Hang on, you're Dumbledore's brother, Aberforth!

Aberforth: Brilliant Holmes! Almost as brilliant as showing up here after curfew -- I would've though Dobby would've talked some sense into you. Where is Dobby anyway?

Ron: You shouldn't've sent him out with a red shirt on.

Harry: Wait, you're the one I saw in the mirror?

Aberforth: The one and only. Dung stole the other half from Grimmauld Place and sold it to me. Now what are you doing here?

Harry explains that they need to get into the school, and Aberforth tells them no chance.Harry: I have to do it. Dumbledore gave me a job to do.

Aberforth: Nice job, I hope? Pleasant? Easy? Sort of thing you'd expect an unqualified wizard kid to be able to do without overstretching themselves?

Harry: It's important.

Aberforth: Of course it is. My brother never used people for anything unimportant.

Harry: What's that supposed to mean?

Aberforth: Yer a pawn, Harry Potter.

Harry: Am not.Aberforth. Okay, a rook. Perhaps even a queen. But you're still a piece moving as my brother directed. You have been ever since you set foot in Hogwarts.

Harry: It doesn't matter. He gave me the job.

Aberforth: Told you only you could do it, right? But did he tell you everything?

Harry: Well, I, uh --

Aberforth: Of course he didn't. My brother never told anyone everything, maybe not even himself. And what did it get him except a cold grave?

Hermione: Dumbledore loved Harry.

Aberforth: Yeah, funny about people my brother loved. They often ended up screwed up worse than if he left them alone. Look at Potter -- sent to live with Dickensian relatives who did every horrible thing you can imagine except beat him. Don't you think Dumbledore could've found somewhere better to put him? But he didn't. Why? It builds character. The sort of character who marches blithely to the gallows if he's told it's the noble thing to do.

Hermione: This is about your sister, isn't it.

Aberforth: My sister? Let me tell you about my sister. When she was six, some muggles spotted her doing magic. The muggles attacked her. They ... they made her dress up like a goat and march through town singing "Mack the Knife." She was never the same after that ... they turned her into a squib. Mother kept her locked away. After mum died, Dumbledore stayed at home to take care of her, but he hated it. He had to postpone his world tour for it. Then Grindelwald showed up, and they became best buds. And neglected my sister. One day I got into a fight about it, and Grindelwald defended my brother. Our shouting excited my sister and she started shooting off spells. We tried to restrain her, but in the commotion we ended up killing her -- we don't know which of us was responsible. Grindelwald ran off that afternoon, afraid of being implicated because he already had a reputation in his own country. But my brother ... he was free. Free to go off and become the great wizard he was supposed to be.

Harry: Dumbledore was never free. On the night he died he drank a poison that caused him to relive his worst experience. He kept pleading, "Don't hurt them, hurt me instead." Don't you see, he carried that with him all his life. He never got over it.

Audience: Awwww.Nancy Reagan: And remember kids, just say no to drugs.Gary Coleman: Don't be a fool, stay in school. You hear that Potter, you little drop-out punk!

Ron: Speaking of which, we really need to get in.

Aberforth: The Death Eaters have closed off all the secret passageways, but there's one way they don't know about. Hang on.Aberforth goes to a portrait of his sister on the wall and gives her instructions. She disappears. Several minutes go by and she reappears accompanied someone else. The picture dissolves and reveals a secret passage behind it, and out steps Neville Longbottom, battered and dirty with long unkempt hair.

Neville: Greetings Comrade Potter! Now that you are here the revolution can begin!Neville beckons Harry and the others to follow him to the castle. As they go, Neville explains that he, Ginny, and Luna have been leading a resurrected Dumbledore's Army against Snape and the Death Eater teachers, Amycus and Alecto Carrow, but Luna disappeared at Christmas time and Ginny escaped back to the Burrow a few weeks ago, leaving him to go it alone.

Neville: At first we tried overt resistance -- questioning the Carrows in class, spray painting "Wolverines!" on walls, and using Weasley Wizard Wheezes in the halls, but they started torturing us, so we switched to guerilla performance art. Dressing up as You-Know-Who in clown makeup didn't go over well. They finally got fed up with it and tried to send me off to Azkaban, but I hid out in the Room of Requirements. Figured out how to get it to keep the Death Eaters and their minions out -- and how to get it to create a secret passage to The Hog's Head. Now we're leading an aggressive insurgency from within the school -- mostly hit and run tactics, kidnapping Slytherins and stuffing them in a vanishing cabinet, that sort of stuff. Soon the halls shall run red with the blood of Death Eaters!

Ron: Wow. Neville. You are hardcore. Fucking Henry Rollins.

Hermione: Yeah, it's a shame You-Know-Who decided Harry was the subject of the prophesy, because you'd make a much better hero to this series. All this time people have been stuck reading about us camping in the woods and wiping our asses with leaves, while you've been here doing interesting stuff.

Harry: What was that?

Hermione: Nothing.

Neville takes Harry aside and whispers: Why didn't you ever tell me being a bad-ass rebel leader made you a pussy magnet? I've been getting laid every night since I first stood up to Alecto. You would not believe what the Patil twins are like -- or maybe you would, since you and Ron took them to the Yule Ball. Though I have to say, never try anything with Luna.Neville suddenly went crimson.

Neville: Not Luna. She has weird ideas about broomsticks."Whut?" Harry had the distinct impression that there were things he didn't understand.(LOLz)

They reach the Room of Requirement, and find it crowded with DA members.

Neville: The battle of Hogwarts begins in two hours!

Harry: Whoa, we're not here for any battle.

Dumbledore's Army: Whut?

Harry: There's something we need to fight You-Know-Who. In and out.

Neville: That puts a crimp on our plans.

Harry: What plans?

Neville: To rise up and throw off the yoke of our bourgeois oppressors! We though that was why you were here.

Luna: Hey guys!Harry turns around and sees Luna and Dean emerging from the tunnel.

Harry: What are they doing here.

Neville: I sent for them as soon as I heard you were back. Ginny should be along shortly, and maybe a few others.

Harry: This is crazy. We're here for one thing, and then we're leaving.

That's it.Fred: Hey, we heard there was going to be a party in Snape's office tonight! George is bringing a keg of butterbeer.Fred, George, Ginny, Lee Jordan, and Cho Chang emerge from the tunnel now.

Hermione: Harry, can I talk to you for a moment? Now look, I know Dumbledore doesn't want anyone else knowing about the Horcruxes, but that doesn't mean we can't get outside help if we need it. There are two dozen people here, ready to fight for you. We may need them.

Harry: But I'm the hero. I'm supposed to do it alone, or with the help of you and Ron. Letting everyone fight dilutes my coolness.

Hermione: You are a prat, Harry Potter.Harry opens his mind to Voldemort, who has reached the Gaunt house and found the ring missing. He sets off for the cave.

Harry: Fine, we may have to do it your way.He turns to the DA.

Harry: Here's the deal, there's an artifact somewhere in the school, probably something related to Ravenclaw, and we need it to fight You-Know-Who. Anyone have any ideas what it is.

Luna: You mean Ravenclaw's lost diadem?

Harry: Could be. Could be. Any idea where it's at?

Luna: No, it's lost silly.

Harry: What does it look like?

Cho: There's a bust of Rowena Ravenclaw in our common room, and she's wearing it. Come on, I'll take you to see it.

Ginny: Oh no you don't, betch!

Cho: Oh snap! I know you did not just say that.

Ginny: Get away from my man before I knock you upside da head, ho.

Cho: Come and make me!

Harry: There is a time and place for this -- perhaps after we defeat You-Know-Who, you two can work this out while standing in a vat of mud in your underwear, but not now.

Ginny: Fine. Luna, show Harry the Diadem.And so Harry and Luna don the invisibility cloak and set off to the Ravenclaw common room. Instead of a password, the door asks a riddle -- "Which came first, the phoenix or the flame?"

Luna: What do you think Harry?

Harry: Hmm, well the flame has to be caused by the phoenix, so that can't be it. But the phoenix comes from the flame. So maybe it's the flame. But wait, the flame comes from the phoenix. Garsh, this is hard.

Luna: You are cute, Harry, but dumb as a troll. A circle has no beginning.

Door: Correct. Luna Lovegood, come on down!They enter the common room and Harry slips out of the cloak to look at the statue, which is wearing a tiara. Harry reads the engraving on it aloud: "Wit beyond measure is a man's greatest treasure."

Alecto: Which doesn't even give you enough for a "Daily Prophet," Potter.

Harry turns to see the Death Eater pointing a wand at him. She reaches to her arm and touches her Dark Mark. Harry feels Voldemort's anger in his head -- Voldie' s almost to the cave and he doesn't like the interruption. He pauses to consider heading straight to the school, but decides to check on the locket first.Alecto looks pleased with herself even as a stunner speeds out of thin air and hits her in the chest.

Luna: WIN.But just then there's a pounding on the common room door.

Amycus: U B LETTING ME IN ALECTO!Door: Where does a vanished object go?Amycus: I DO NOT B KNOWING. LET ME IN! POTTER B LETTING ME IN OR B GOING BAD 4 U!

McGonagall: What is this noise, Professor?

Amycus: I NEED B OPENING DOOR. B GETTING PROFESSOR FLITWICK 4 ME.

McGonagall: Professor Flitwick already let your sister in. Why doesn't she open it.

Amycus: I NOT B KNOWING. UR B OPENING DOOR FOR ME?McGonagall agrees and answers the riddle. They enter and find Alecto sprawled on the floor, her Dark Mark glowing.

Amycus: POTTER MUST B DOING THIS. BUT WHERE HE B GOING? IF HE NO B HERE WHEN DARK LORD IZ ARRIVING, WE IZ D-E-D DED. I KNOW. WE BE BLAMING DA STUDENTS. SAY DEY IZ IN HER MARK.

McGonagall: You shall not blame your own ineptitude on the students while I still teach here.

Amycus: LOLOLOLOLZ! U B SHUTTING UP NOW.Amycus spits in her face, and without hesitation Harry throws off his cloak and strikes him with a Cruciatus curse.

Harry: I see what Bellatrix meant. You really need to mean it.

McGonagall: Potter! You really shouldn't've done that.

Harry: No one spits at Minerva McGonagall and gets away with it.

McGonagall: Very gallant, but you know what this could mean?

Harry: Voldemort's on his way. He'll be here in an hour at the most.

Luna: Oh, we can say his name now?

Harry: I think he knows I'm here.

McGonagall: If he's coming, we have to secure the school.Harry: Is that possible?McGonagall: I think so. We professors have some small talent with magic, you know. We'll have to evacuate the students, though I don't know how.Harry explains about the Room of Requirement.

McGonagall: Very well, I'll need the heads of houses. And something has to be done about Snape.Harry and Luna don the cloak while McGonagall dispatches patronuses to alert Professors Flitwick, Sprout, and Slughorn, then they set off. They're just turning a corner when they come upon Snape.
Snape: Professor, what are you doing out of bed at this hour?

McGonagall: As a matter of fact, I was just on my way to find you and layeth the smack down upon your ass.

They begin to duel. Just as Snape appears to be getting the best of her, Sprout, Flitwick, and Slughorn appear. Sensing he's out matched, Snape bolts through a classroom door, jumps through a window and takes flight -- literally.

Luna: ZOMFG!

Flitwick: That's right betch, you better run or we'll pwn your ass!The professors split up to gather their houses and take them to the Great Hall, while Harry and Luna head back to the Room of Requirements. But when they get there they find it even more crowded than when they left -- the old Gryffindor Quidditch team has shown up along with the surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix.

Harry: WTF?George: We sorta mentioned to the Order that you'd shown up at Hogwarts, and they wanted to come along to give you a welcome-home party.Harry directs everyone to the Great Hall, but as they're all shuffling out he notices that Ron and Hermione aren't around.

Fred: They said something about going to the bathroom.George: Yeah, we told them it's a helluva a time to do the horizontal mambo, but they wouldn't listen.Just then another figure steps out of the tunnel -- Percy Weasley.Percy: Am I late?Everyone: WTF?Percy: I was an ass.Fred: Yeah, you were.

***The great hall is crowded with students as Professor McGonagall gives instructions for the evacuation of underage students. Suddenly Voldemort's voice rumbles through the hall.

Voldemort: Is this thing on? Testing, testing.(LOlz) All right, I don't want to spill any wizard's blood, so if you give me Potter all will be well. You have one hour, and then I'll attack.

Fred: All will not be fucking well!

Pansy Parkinson: But Potter's right there! All we have to do is give him over!McGonagall: Thank you Miss Parkinson, you'll be the first to leave, and if you don't shut up I'll have Hagrid expedite your departure by tossing you over the rampart. That goes for the rest of you Slytherins to -- Dumbledore was always talking about inter-house unity, but he could be a sentimental fool. I want you Slytherin ass-hats out of her right now. Except you, Professor Slughorn.As the Slytherins and other houses start departing, Kingsley Shacklebolt steps up and begins ordering those staying to fight.

McGonagall: Potter! Aren't you supposed to be looking for something?Harry: Whut? Oh, yeah.Harry heads into the hall, wondering where he'd be if he were a lost tiara. If only Hogwarts had some sort of large room where lost objects often ended up. Suddenly an idea hits Harry -- this is very painful as it doesn't happen often, but he recovers swiftly and tracks down the Ravenclaw ghost, the Grey Lady.

She tells him that she was Rowena Ravenclaw's daughter, and she stole the diadem and hid it in Albania. But many years later, another student had asked her about it -- Tom Riddle. Realizing Voldemort must've gone in search of the diadem during his travels, found it and transformed it into a Horcrux, then returned it to Hogwarts, Harry asks himself where Voldie might've stashed it. Some secret room, perhaps, that's hard to get to. Where no one would ever think to look. If only there was such a place at Hogwarts. Something like the Room of Requirements.What's that brain? The diadem might be in the Room of Requirements?

Hey, wow, Harry figured something out without Hermione! Go Harry!As the battle commences, Harry heads to the Room of Requirements, and on the way he runs into Ron and Hermione.

Harry: Where have you two been?Hermione: We knew we needed something to destroy the Horcruxes, and then Ron remembered there's a dead basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, so we went to get some of its teeth.

Harry: Neither of you speak parseltongue.

Ron: No, but I've heard you do it, so I imitated the sounds you made to the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Harry: And it worked? That makes no sense. And how did you get out? Last time we had to use Fawkes to carry us. And wasn't the tunnel caved-in?

Ron: Look, mate, there are only about 125 pages left. Do you really want to spend twenty of them helping us get into the Chamber and extract teeth? Just let it go and pretend it makes sense.

Harry: Anyway, I've figured out where Voldemort hid the diadem -- the Room of Requirement's lost-and-found. He must've discovered it while he was at school and figured no one else had ever delved so deeply into the castle's secrets.

Hermione: Didn't you say the lost-and-found is full of junk left by a thousand years worth of students who needed a place to hide stuff? Then how could he think he was the first to discover it?

Harry: There are only 124 pages left now, we don't have time to discuss this. Let's get to the Room of Requirements, Batman!

***Just as Harry finds the diadem, who should show up by Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle.Crabbe: PWND.Goyle: 22LY!Draco: Shut up you to.Crabbe: WE R IN UR ROOM OF REQUIREMENT MESSING WITH UR JUNK!Draco: I said shut up.Goyle: U DO NO B TELLING US WHUT TO DO.

Ron and Hermione jump out and try to stun Crabbe and Goyle, but they dodge and start a running fight in which the diadem gets knocked into a pile of junk. Then Crabbe lights his fart on fire, creating Fiendfyre, the magical equivalent of an oil fire. Ron, Harry, and Hermione grab some old brooms left in the room and are about to get away, when Harry suggests they save Malfoy and the Dunder Twins. Goyle gets onto Ron and Hermione's broom, but Crabbe bites it in an extremely painful manner befitting a grade-A moron. Harry rescues Draco, who wraps his arms tightly around Harry, and they ride the broom stick out of the room, while Harry holds Malfoy's wand. Luckily Fiendfyre is one of the things which can destroy a Horcrux, and since Hermione destroyed the cup while in the Chamber of Secrets, the only thing separating Voldemort from his grave is Nagini.As they're about to head out to find Nagini, Fred and Percy come around the corner dueling some Death Eaters. Fred blasts the mask off one, revealing Pius Thicknesse, the Minister of Magic. "Consider this my resignation!" Percy says and stuns the Minister.Fred: LMFAO! PERCY U MADE A JOKE!Percy: Yeah, well I haven't had a girlfriend since Penelope dumped me, so I've been spending my evenings watching muggle movies. There's this one with this guy named Arnold Schwarz--

A blast rocks the castle, and the wall where they're standing collapses. Percy manages to get out of the way with minor injuries, but Fred lies in the rubble, staring up with the empty glassy spheres of his eyes.Percy: Nooooooooooooooooooo!Ron: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!Percy: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!They manage to drag Fred's body to safety, but before they can do anything else Aragog's children swarm into the castle.

Ron: Oh poo!Percy: We're boned.They manage to get Fred out of the way, then Harry has another plot-advancing vision.Voldemort is in the Shrieking Shack talking to Lucius. Nagini is floating over their heads in a protective charm.

Lucius: My Lord, you know how incompetent your Death Eaters are.

Voldemort: They're more competent now than in the previous volumes, thanks to my killing everyone who's an egregious screw-up.

Lucius: But all it takes is one to slip through the cracks, and he might kill Potter against your orders. We should recall the troops and determine whether he's still alive.Voldemort: Don't pretend you can manipulate me, Lucius. Your son didn't return from the castle, and you want a chance to find out if he's alive.Lucius: You don't know what it's like to be a father -- the sight of an ugly, wrinkly thing with your own face, that slowly grows into a model of you, taking on your mannerisms and beliefs.Voldemort: Spare me your romantic notions and fetch Snape to me.

Harry: Voldiekins is in the Shrieking Shack, and Nagini's with him.So they make their way through the battle to the Whomping Willow, and then towards the Shrieking Shack. By the time they get there, Snape is already present.Snape: The resistance is crumbling My Lord. Let me go and bring the boy to you.Voldemort: No, I have something more important for you to do.Snape: What might that be?Voldemort: You need to die. You see, the uber-wand that I stole from Dumbledore's grave isn't living up to the hype -- it just isn't giving me enough cowbell, only cranking to 10, not the full 11 -- and I've been wondering why not. Dumbledore was killed, so the wand should be ready to give itself to a new master. But not any master, the one who killed Dumbledore, which wasn't me but you. Yes, Severus, I'm afraid the only way for me to control the wand's full might is to kill you. So sorry. Nagini, sick balls.Nagini drops from his protective field and attacks Snape.Snape: ZOMFG, I'm killed by a fucking snake?Nagini: PWNAGE!

Voldemort: Now let us go test whether my new wand rocks as much as I want.They exit, and then Harry sneaks in to see Snape, who isn't quite dead yet. Silver goo starts oozing from the potion master's ears. Hermione magics a flask into existence and gathers it up.

Snape: You ... have your ... mother's eyes ... Potter. Let me ... look into them ... one last time.Harry leans over Snape and they stare at each other for a moment.

Ron: ZOMFG, UR TEH GAY!But the life has left Snape's eyes, and they turn to empty glassy spheres.

Hermione: That's like the third time she's used that metaphor in this book.

Then Voldemort's voice echoes through the night.Voldemort: Brave fighters of Hogwarts, I do not wish to spill blood that doesn't need to. Therefore I shall withdraw my Death Eaters for one hour. Potter, if you don't want more of your friends to die, I suggest you come out and face. I'll be in the Forbidden Forest.... No Lucius, I told you a Big Mac, hold the pickles. Does this look like they held the pickles? I don't care what the clerk says, they can damn well hold the bloody pickles! Pick them off? No, their juice will still be on the burger, mixed into the special sauce. Just go back and tell them to get the order right this time. What Yaxley? Still on? Oh. You have one hour, Potter! That is all.The trio return to the school, where the bodies of the fallen are being gathered to the Great Hall. Ron joins his family to mourn Fred. Harry sees that Lupin and Tonks are among the dead.

Harry: Sonuva -- great, I drop out of school, and now I'm a single father. Thanks a lot, Lupin. Way to be.He storms out and heads to Dumbledore's office, where he pours Snape's dying thoughts into the Pensieve.

Snape: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you how I became the half-blood Prince of a school called H-warts. In Spinner's End born and raised, in the playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' out cool, shootin' some quaffles outside of the school.Harry finds himself on a playground. A little boy with unkempt, greasy hair is sitting behind some bushes watching a pair of girls on the swings. One of the girls jumps from the swing and flies through the air in defiance of gravity.2nd Girl: Lily, you shouldn't do that. You might get in trouble.Lily: Trouble with who, Tuney?Tuney: You know, God 'n' stuff.Snape: God has nothing to do with it. It's magic.Harry does a double-take -- there's no way a nine year old boy should sound like Alan Rickman.Lily: Magic?Snape: Sure. You're a witch.The scene dissolves to a few years later. Snape and Lily are sitting on the grass talking.Lily: It doesn't make a difference that I come from, what did you call them, Muggles?Snape: Not to anyone who matters.The scene dissolves to the Hogwarts express. Snape and Lily, now about 11, are sharing a compartment with James, Sirius, Lupin, and Wormtail.Snape: I hope you're in Slytherin, Lily, it's the best. All the coolest wizards are from there.James: You want to get into Slytherin? LUSER!Snape: I suppose a dumb jock like you wants to be in Gryffindor.Lily: Come on Sev, let's go sit somewhere else.The scenes continue in quick succession, and Harry realizes that Lily really loved Snape, and had tried to keep him from getting involved with the Dark Arts, but the call of power was too much for him. Then Harry sees Snape's worst memory, from the chapter of the same name in Book 5, and he realizes that what Snape hated about it wasn't being bullied by James and Sirius, but calling Lily a mudblood. Later that night he tries to apologize, but Lily refuses to listen.The story flashes forward a few years to a repentant Snape visiting Dumbledore and confessing that he revealed the prophesy to Voldiepants without realizing that Lily's son was the subject. Snape offers his unconditional cooperation if Dumbledore will stop Voldie. But of course, Dumbledore fails, but Snape's anger at Voldemort is too great for him to switch sides again. He agrees to stay on as a teacher and help protect Harry when he enters school. But his resolve is soon tested.Snape: The kid is a little brat. Thinks he can break any rules he wants -- and he can because you turn a blind eye to him.Dumbledore: I'm just exercising discretion. He's a good boy. Precocious.Snape: Dumb jock just like his father. If you hadn't put that Granger girl to help him, he'd be failing Potions. I hope he doesn't corrupt her like James corrupted Lupin.Flashforward. Dumbledore now has the wounded hand he received at the beginning of Book 6, and Gaunt ring sits on the desk next to him.Snape: I've done the best I can, but the curse is too strong. It'll eventually kill you -- a year tops.Dumbledore: Very well then. I have no desire to suffer a painful, lingering death, so you'll have to kill me.Snape: Would you like me to do it now, or do you desire a few moments to compose an epitaph.Dumbledore: Not quite yet. But you'll know the proper time.

Flashforward.Dumbledore: Snape, the time will come when Voldemort begins keeping Nagini close to him, perhaps behind protective charms. This will be the end game, and you must find Harry and tell him one last thing -- he is a Horcrux. Voldemort was planning to make one the night he killed James and Lily, but he didn't realize he succeeded. A part of his soul came loose when he died and attached itself to Harry. For Voldemort to be defeated --
Snape: Potter has to die? Jesus jumped up from the grave and did the rumba Christ! I thought all this time we were protecting the brat because he was Lily's son. But it was all part of your plan.Dumbledore: Of course. If you haven't noticed I am a master planner. Everything I have done is towards this end.Snape: *^$%#$*%#$&#%@%&%#@&&$&&$%&$@#The scenes continue, revealing that Snape planted the idea of using Polyjuice Potion to create decoys during the escape from Privet Drive, and he'd severed George's ear while trying to save him from another curse, and that it was he who sent the doe patronus to guide Harry to the Sword of Gryffindor. The portrait of Dumbledore in the headmaster's office is curious about that last bit.Dumbledore: After all this time?Snape: Always.Dumbledore: You know, Severus, you had your big fight with her when you were 15, over half a lifetime ago. Carrying a torch for her after all these years ... bit obsessive don't you think. Maybe it's time you move on. Start dating. I've found the personal ads in the Quibbler are quite rewarding.Snape: There'll never be anyone else for me. Now excuse me, I'm going to listen to The Cure.

***Harry emerges from the Pensieve knowing what he has to do. As he heads out for the Forbidden Forest, he sees Neville, who is carrying the body of Colin Creevy back to the castle.

Neville: He stayed at his post while the trainees ran!Harry stops to give him instructions: "If anything happens to me, there's something you absolutely have to do -- kill Nagini, Voldemort's snake." Continuing on his way, he suddenly figures out how to open the Snitch Dumbledore left him, and inside it he finds the Gaunt ring, which contains the resurrection stone. He uses this to bring back his parents, Sirius, and Lupin for one last chat.Lily: We're all so very proud of you.James: And we're so looking forward to hanging out with you. Fred's already here, and we're throwing a huge bash to welcome him.Sirius: In fact, if you get a chance, tell George to off himself and join us.Harry: Is it painful to die.Sirius: Not at all. 'Course I just fell through some curtains, which now that I think of it is probably the most suck-ass death in this entire series.Harry marches straight into the Death Eaters' camp and reveals himself to Voldemort.Lucius: About damn time! He won't let us have any pizza until your dead. It's probably cold by now anyway.Harry: One shall stand, one shall fall.Voldemort: Why throw away your life so recklessly?Lucius: I thought that was the plan?Harry: That is a question you should ask yourself, Voldetron.Voldemort: Enough of this. Avada Kadevera!

***Harry wakes to find himself in a room of red mist. There is a sword here. And a really ugly baby that's been flensed of its skin and is screaming.Harry: Whut?Dumbledore: Ah, Harry, so nice of you to join me.Harry: I'm dead.Dumbledore: Mostly.Harry: What do you mean?Dumbledore: See, Voldemort's curse killed the part of his soul attached to your body, but because of the linkages between you and him, you are still anchored to the Earth. It's all very complicated -- you and he are linked in so many ways I can't keep track. But that's why your wand acted funny at the start of the book. And why his wand, even once he's given up his original, is giving him trouble against you -- all the wands a person owns take on the same properties. I think. The metaphysics of the whole thing is fuzzy even to me. But I think I've told you enough for you to survive the climax, so you can return to life.

***Harry wakes up and it's as if no time has passed. He's lying on the ground and Narcissa Malfoy approaches to make sure he's dead. She sees he isn't, and whispers to him, "Is Draco still alive?" Harry nods.Narcissa: He's deader than dead.Death Eaters: Callooh! Callay!Voldemort: Then let us go and present his body to the school.Hagrid, who's been taken prisoner, carries Harry back to Hogwarts. Harry has a tremendous itch on his left arm, but he can't scratch it. The more he tries to ignore it, the worse it gets.Yaxley: IZ NOT PPL SUPPOZED TO B VOIDING BOWELS WHEN DEY IZ DYING?Harry curses silently, but does what needs doing to satisfy Yaxley.Yaxley: THAT IS BEING BETTER.The Death Eaters arrive at the castle, and Hagrid places Harry's body on the ground. All the remaining fighters have gathered in front.Voldemort: Behold your leader! He was trying to sneak away, to save his own skin, when my Death Eaters killed him. Be thankful. You are no longer stuck foll--A cry breaks out from the fighters, and Neville charges forward with his wand drawn. Voldemort subdues him easily.Bellatrix, with a very creepy smile: It is Longbottom, My Lord. He should be taught manners. Give him to me. I will show him things I never showed his parents.Voldemort: No, he is a pure-blood. Join me, Longbottom, and together we can end this destructive conflict.Neville: I'll never join you! San Dimas High School Football rulez!A cheer breaks out from the students. Voldemort tries to silence them with magic, but it doesn't work. When the cries die down, Voldemort speaks again.Voldemort: There shall be no more houses at Hogwarts. From this time forth, everyone will be Slytherin. Longbottom here will demonstrate what happens to those who oppose me. No, Bellatrix, I'm not giving him to you. Some might enjoy it and rebel just to be with you. Accio Sorting Hat.The Sorting Hat flies from the castle to Voldemort who puts it on Neville's head and sets it on fire.

***Many miles away, Griphook the goblin is sitting in his living room gently stroking the Sword of Gryffindor.Griphook: Precioussssssss.Sword: Gotta go.The sword disappears.

***Neville: Ow!Great cries break out from everywhere. From the school an army of house elves comes rushing out, brandishing kitchen knives and frying pans. From the forest come stampeding centaurs. And from the gates come parents who've arrived hearing what's going on.Voldemort: WTF?Neville breaks the curse that's restraining him, and Voldie sics Nagini on him.Nagini: PWND.Neville whips off the Sorting Hat, pulling the Sword of Gryffindor from it, shouts, "I am no man," and strikes off Nagini's head. "PWN this."Harry puts on his invisibility cloak as the Battle of Hogwarts resumes all around him. The Death Eaters are overwhelmed and chased into the Great Hall, where at last the fight comes down to two duels -- Voldemort against Kingsley, McGonagall, and Slughorn, and Bellatrix against Luna, Hermione, and Ginny. Bellatrix hurls a killing curse at Ginny, missing by bare inches. Suddenly a shout comes from the sidelines: "Get away from her YOU BITCH."Bellatrix looks over and sees Molly Weasley running out to face her. Bellatrix laughs.Bellatrix: Come on, like I'm going to be killed by a tertiary character who exists only to nag. Puh-lease. If you were Longbottom or Tonks, I'd be worried, but a villain as cool as I am isn't going to be ki--Mrs. Weasley shoots a killing curse straight at Bellatrix, who has time to mumble, "Not fair," before falling over, dead. Before Voldemort can turn his attention to Mrs. Weasley, Harry throws off his cloak and casts a protective spell between them.Seamus: Harry, we thought you were dead!

Harry: I was. I got better.Music begins to play from nowhere:You never bend, you never break,You seem to know just what it takes,You're a fighter,It's in the blood, it's in the will,It's in the mighty hands of steel.When you're standin' your ground,And you never get hit when your back's to the wall,Gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all.You got the touch,You got the power!

Lee Jordan: Two men enter, one man leaves!

Voldemort: So, it comes down to this, at last. A duel between us. But there is something you should kno--

Harry: STFU! I'm sick and tired of this shit. Every freakin' book I face you, and you give some long-ass speech about what a cool bad-ass you are, then after I defeat you, I have to listen to Dumbledore give another speech about why I was able to defeat you. Even after he's dead, Dumbledore shows up and gives me one. Well, enough. It's my turn. My time! You see, Riddle, you screwed up. You trusted Snape, but he was never yours. Not since you killed my mum. But you never realized that, because you've never known love -- never known the touch of a woman. You just couldn't understand that Snape loved my mum more than he cared about the Dark Arts. And he betrayed you -- all this time, he's been helping me.

Voldemort: Doesn't matter. He's dead and can't help you any more.

Harry: And you killed him for the wrong reason. You thought that murder was the only way to gain control of the uber-wand, and that he must be the master because he killed Dumbledore. But wands don't work that way -- they change masters when one wizard takes it from another by force. And Snape didn't disarm Dumbledore the night he died -- Draco Malfoy did. The uber-wand is his. But I disarmed Malfoy earlier this year, and took his regular wand. Which means all his wands now bend to MY will. Even the uber-wand.

Voldemort: Oh come on, you're just pulling this out of your ass.

Harry: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I know what you're thinking -- you've used the killing curse on me twice, and it's failed both times. What's to make the third try any different.Well to tell you the truth, I'm not sure myself. But you've got to ask yourself one thing -- "Do I feel lucky?"

Well, do ya, punk?Voldemort raises his wand and casts the killing curse at Harry; Harry parries with Expelliarmus. The AK bounces off Harry and hits Voldie, who keels over dead.

Harry: WIN!

***Nineteen years go by, and on September 1st, 2016 Harry and Ginny are taking their children, James, Lily, and Albus Severus, to the Hogwarts Express. There they meet Ron and Hermione, with their kids Hugo and Rose, and see Draco, who has a receding hairline, with his son Scorpius, who's in the same year as Albus. This makes many fan-fic writers happy, because they can counter this excessively treacley epilogue with slash fic about Al and Scorp, henceforth to be known as AS/S.

The End

Some amazing facts~

2007-02-09T14:56:00.000Z

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to bespoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a waythat you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident all falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says inmidway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. ...

Not so funny, But ok la!~~

2007-02-09T14:52:00.000Z

here, some Singaproean jokes:

Why did Kok Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed!
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Kok Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Kok Beng: "Do you have color TV?"Salesgirl: "Yes!"
Kok Beng: "Give me a green one, please"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Kok Beng: "What is that shiny object?"Salesgirl: "That is a thermos flask."
Kok Beng: "What does it do?
"Salesgirl: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Kok Beng: "I'll buy it"
The next day, Kok Beng goes to work with his thermo flat.
Boss: "What is that shiny object?"
Kok Beng: "It's a thermos flask."
Boss: "What does it do?"
Kok Beng: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss: "What do you have in it?"
Kok Beng: "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
(I have to say the boss was quite dumb coz he didn't know what a thermos flask is used for.)
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Kok Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Kok Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Kok Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Kok Beng replies,
"SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Kok Beng's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says,"JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Kok Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Kok Beng replies: "Tan Kok Beng, MARRIED"

====== ? ? ? ? ? ? ======

Another one :-DDDD

2007-02-09T14:47:00.000Z

This is much more interesting!!! Enjoy readin it!!

Okay, here it goes. Ahmad, Muthu and Ah Beng were 3 good friends.

Ahmad died in a fire and his body was so badly burnt that the morgue needed someone to identify the body.They called up his two best friends, Ah Beng andMuthu.

Ah Beng went in first and the mortician pulled backthe sheet.
Ah Beng said,"Wah lau eh... he's very barbecued like 'char siu'..!!!. Please roll him over,and I will tell you whether if he's my friend Ahmad ornot."
The mortician rolled the body over and Ah Benglooked at his ass and immediately said, "No-lah,no-lah.. that isn't Ahmad. Heng ah..!"
The mortician was puzzled but didn't say anything.

He then went and got Muthu to inspect the body.
Muthu looked closely and said, "Aiyoyo.. it is true he'sburnt very badly, but roll him over and I'll see if he's my friend Ahmad."
Again the mortician rolled thebody over and Muthu looked down at the ass and said,"Aiyoyo.. thank goodness, this is not Ahmad!!"
The mortician was extremely puzzled, and unable to stand it any longer he asked, "Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Ah Beng tell whether it is Ahmad just by looking at the ass?!?!??"

Muthu replied, "It's simple really. Well you see, Ahmad had two assholes..!!"
"What?!!" the mortician said with disbelief, "He had two assholes?!??!"
"Oh yes! Everyone in Penang Road knows this because everytime the three of us go out, people always say,"Here comes Ahmad with the two assholes."

..............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............Laugh Out Loud Please!!!haha!!!!

Funny joke:-D

2007-02-09T14:44:00.000Z

There are 3 nuns that have just died.

They float up to heaven and St. Peter is waiting at the gate.

He says if you each answer 1 question correctly, you will be allowed in Heaven.

He says to the 1st one: 'Who was the first man on earth?'
She replied...''oooh thats so easy - it's adam.'
St Peter said 'Right, you're in.'

He says the 2nd one: 'who was the first woman on earth?'
She replied...'ooooh thats so easy - it's eve.'
St Peter said 'right, you're in. '

He says to the 3rd one - 'what did eve first say to adam?'
She said out loud - 'ooh thats a hard one.'
St. Peter said 'Right, you're in. '

*guffaws* geddit? That's sooooooo funny!!

WC

2006-06-30T16:23:00.000+01:00

Well, it's not weechean, it's worldcup~~ argh.. argentina n germany now!!~~ i support argentina whereas my sis reckon germany will defintiely win.. fine, let's bet 50 bucks on it... haha.. scare scare now.. coz if i lose the 50 bucks , it means that i wil only hav 20 bucks to be used next week... so , argentina, run fazter, work hard, n the most important 1, kick kick kick precisely and goal~~!!!!!

on wednesday,pulling the sleeve of my shirt, cheryl came to me n said: weihao, i m veli sad spain lost~~ thinking of she is a great spain fan, i juz comforted her. then, unexpectedly, she blurted out, "no, i lost my 600 bucks!" wat??? i gawked at her in disbelief, " repeat the amount again~"
"600 la, but luckily i won 1500 bucks on brazil match...."wat??? omg, wat is this? so net profit is 900 bucks la, it's stil a big amount for me.....rooted to the ground, i dunno wat shud i say.. THE WORLD IS CHANGING!! fine, she is a rich gal ,perhaps taht is soooooo normal for her.... BUT, her ten-year-old borther, weihao oso, won 1000 bucks for the brazil match... hew, swt...

ARGENTINA, U HAV 2 WIN!!!!!

Today~~23/6

2006-06-23T14:00:00.000+01:00

Woke up at 6.30 am, a beautiful day was about 2 start. When i was brushing my teeth in the toilet, i was still sleepy~~hehe.. normal lo.. then brush brush brush, i froze instantly. OH SHIT, i hvn finished studying my econs.~~!!!! then, "huh, luckily it is on 8.45am~!!".. so, still have plenty of time, so dashed 2 my bedroom n grapped my PYQ... n flipped through it ... OMG , there r still 2 sets left... start start!!! my eyes were actually staring at the papers when i was changing my clothes....hehe...so geng rite?? next, my dad fetched me 2 have my breakfast coz it was still early...my hp vibrated..
"hey 2day got test anot?"
"y not?"
"y no1 is here ?"
ya, exactly, HELP is like a deserted castle before 7.30am....no1 will b there, n the lifts have become terrible lately... the door will open when the lift has not arrived at the level yet!! terrible rite? we were once trapped inside the lift... oh my gosh, the door of the lift closed automatically, n it sinked into the shaft a little bit... then, instictively, v pressed the help button while the gals were screaming at their piercing voice,.. within a moment it moved up again n the door opened.... V CAN STILL SEE THE SUNLIGHT!!! elaine shouted when v walked off the lift immediately...it was really crazy~~!!!!

after finishing my breakfast, i started 2 study my PYQ again...v reached HELP veli faz 2day...haha...kk rushed up 2 room 3.5 n settled down .. sherene n sarah were studying there... super quiet...luckily i could manage 2 finish my PYQ or else, i will sure fail...talking about the econs test, it is super important, coz it's the determinant of ur forecast result, which will b used 2 apply the universities...it was origiranally on 30 june, but then joanna, our econs lecturer, was annoyed by those who didnt finished their work.....
"since u all r not doing my work, wat for i rush 2 mark ur papers ? it is unfair to the lecturer...so ur test has been brought forward 2 23/6!!"
what i saw was, everyone looks bewildered (coz joanna is a super kind lecturer) with their mouths opened.. haha kinda funny...v begged so hard but it had no any effect... so it was brought 4ward 2 2day..

kk, b4 the test started , i smsed meiping, telling her that i was very nervous.. but in fact i was super nervous, my hands were trembling.. i was not that nervous even i sat 4 spm...within my expectation, sum1 cheated... he copied all those definitions into a small paper...he told me that he is a great cheater ever....n when joanna was about to distribute the papers , she said" dun think i m blind ok? so dun cheat." "haha u r going 2 die soon ."but in fact she is blind. coz she didnt noe he cheated.. y econs test must be that rush? we were given only 1 hour 2 finish our papers.... when i just finished my essay, joanna shouted " 30 minutes 2 go".oh shit 8 MCQs ~~~~dun think it's easy ok? v r required 2 write explanations 4 every anwers v choose. but luckily i can finish all on time.. but there was an opportunity cost--my hand cramped when the test finished. so shit~~

after that was accounting class. i regret now~~!!!! i shud hav taken physics rather than accounting.. it is so tough... actually it 's not that tough la IF AND ONLY u hav the heart 2 do it.. i feel very unsecured whenever i do accounting...hehe... but fortunately, i understand all the stuffs, i juz lazy 2 do all those things...gambateh ~~!!go go go!!!! kk fine~~~ juz 2 encourage myself...then they decided 2 have their lunch at ali maju after class, which is 12pm.. but then, we went 2 1U eventually... i m having my french class on 2.30 leh...kk nvm i beliv i can rush back de... so i followed... kk gerard's driving skill is good so i can sit in his car without worrying much... reached there n v went 2 find restaurant..kk finslly v had ramen there.. when we were waiting 4 our dishes,i told them some lame jokes... their reaction was super funny n special, i suppose...do u guys watch the wang zi bian qing wa?they learned the snowman skiing in the show.. it's not the end, they hav the background music also@~~!!! so cute~~~i founf that i was likely destined 2 hav japanese food whenever i go 1U..quite nice ~~~i like the dumpling... we went 4 pool later, which has brought much fun 2 us... it was 2 late when i found that the french class was about to start...so shit, i smsed elaine which sounds" hey i might b a bit late 2 the class"...then , bowling~~~it made me felt guilty now...so i sms yisiin, asking her whether the class has started anot....if it hasnt, i would just hail a taxi n go back 2 HELP...HOWEVER,when we were paying money at the counter, v saw elaine n adeline walking towards us.. OMG!! how could it be?
"y r u all here?"
"v r sick, arent we?"
haha, since the secretary n vice president were there, so it's rather reasonable 4 me 2 skip OUR french class, rite?continued our activities....went 2 arcade then, n guess wat? i saw the ch-form-2 guy who sat next 2 me in the mid year exam ...there was a guy who likes to act as zhu1 ba1 jie4 rite? the freind of him.. the tall guy....he said hi 2 me, n at that moment, i didnt really rmb who was him... so juz replied back nonchalantly...after walked past him a few centimetres , i turned around n headed towards him, asked him" r u the ch guy?" kind of retarded..hehe...there r quite a few crazy but funny games in the arcade.. serious~~!!! super funny n it's worth 2 play with...

kk it's time 2 go home...chee wei fetched me home n thanx so much...... feeling guilty now coz i hav been neglected kai in msn 4 quite a moment...hehe.. sorry la.. my lub...haha.....

Today--2/6

2006-06-02T16:30:00.000+01:00

Today is 2 june, which is wc's bd.... so as soon as my accounting class finished, i rushed to mv , 2 meet wc n joanna...when i was thinking how 2 go, cheryl suggested:"Let's go mv!!!" oh god, it's so great that i can hop in her car n reach mv on time...(wc n joanna r going 4 a french film on12.30pm.) they were at secret recipe, and since i hav been starving 4 almost 4 hours , i ordered a chicken chop with rice after greeting wc...ok, v sang birhtday song aloud there n it's kind of embarassing.. then a pretty waitress cum 2 our table 2 return the changes.... ok ,since wc loves leng lui, v sked her 2 sing a bd song 4 him... haha such a silly request.. she was like har?serious ah? k,then wc said"v r leaving" , when she was about 2 open her mouth 2 sing...she juz walked off with crimson cheeks...haha...quite embarassing at that time...but at last, when v were walking out the shop, she greeted wc happy bd ...

kk after accompanying them 2 the cinema, i met up wif my frens... cheryl went 4 a nail printing, n we decided 2 shop around.... nth much , justin tried a shirt, which made him looks gorgeous, *cough*according 2 elaine n addy...i didnt think so, my thought was that shirt has made him looks clumsier n fatter..okok, we went 2 strudels 4 our luuch, i didnt order any food there, though the food there reali looks tempting...it was so kind of cheryl that she offered me her apple pie.. it was so nice man!!! u all muz go n hav a try... cheryl, she has been in uk 4 almost 2.5 years, which sounds veli interesting 4 me... she is utterly a knowledgeable n mature gal.. i think it's related 2 her experience in uk...v chattered here n there, n somehow their topics has been changed into own's love history... ok it's fine elaine n i , who r pts students, juz burried our heads down.. i m sure u guys noe the reason....haha...they all talked about their ex n cheryl's eyes were welled up by tears when she told us the story about his ex.. her parents totally against with the relationship n nearly broke up the relationship between them.... she was warded off her house but eventually she fell to her knees n begged her parents..."why did u do so?" i asked."i loved him so much!"she answered. ok tears began rolling down now...i felt so guilty at the moment.n then addy started her story about her ex oso..."shit, it was oredi 2!!" our french class was going 2 start~~v rushed back there but unfortunately we were caught in a bloody traffic jam at bangsar... v chatted again n to my surprise, all those inside the car talked about SEX!!! they were talking anal sex oral sex orgasm n many words that i was not able 2 understand.....then adeline asked" which 1 gives the highest orgasm?", without any prick of embarassment... then justin answered" of course anal sex la!!!"oh my god, THE WORLD IS CHANGING!!!! then they even went deeper, "hey will guys feel pain in anal sex?"" both of the gal n guy will feel pain, coz the hole is 2 small n the guy's dick is veli big, so it's like it is being squeezed .."the tone is flat, juz like a normal conversation...o gosh i stared at elaine n so did she........ we were totally speechless...

ok back 2 french class n we were taught can can dance.. it was kind of embarassing anyhow.... n we learned numbers as well.. dix, une, sept..kk they r going 4 a french play at sultan ismail at 8pm.. i rejected coz i wanna go home!!!!damn tired...had a nice chat wif kok bing n addy on the way home.... reached home at around 5pm then my mum told me that v will hav our dinner at secret recipe... oh gosh juz had my lunch there ok??? but it's fine as long as i can eat.....kk going 2 sleep now... see u guys~~

无题

2006-02-18T17:02:00.000Z

最近,在想着宇宙的外面到底是什么.常听说宇宙多大多大…却想也想不出到底那是什么. 感觉有点奇怪,总觉得它好大好大,大到根本就不能想象. 相比之下,我是多么的渺小,我心里的感觉更渺小了. 伤心,高兴,失望算得了什么? 什么东西嘛为什么人会有七情六欲?为什么就是要那么复杂? 奇怪!

算了,该停止宇宙论了.. 最近上课都不会太闷,因为有丽贤这个死傻婆和国志这个死傻佬. 维谦,我终于明白你的感受了. 不过就是有了他们上课才不会酱无聊. 正当 mr. steven 在喊着Foo Fatt keong 的时候, 我已经笑到肚子痛加流眼泪了.笑的原因有两个:一,mr steven 念foo fatt keong念到太好笑了,二,丽贤讲了一个冷笑话:为什么superman的衣服上要有上面写着S的三角形?答案是….他的底裤是S size的!好笑!还有国志的牡丹也超好笑!!!甲豪也是,每天上课时都会冒出一些很炸到的话,很好笑,你就是傻傻的! 哈哈笑可以练六块腹肌上次在逸玲家讲的,玩着Ca-ba-aa-za-ja的时候….下次一定要玩过!!

今年,一定没有比去年的好.少了一种说不出的感觉. 就是没有酱爽了. 去年在班里了喧哗已经没有了,只留下了寂静. 不过算了总得要忍. 就像文旋说的一样,就算在不愿意,也得要适应新的环境. 当我收到这封讯息的时候,我整个人比朱自清看到他爸爸的背影时还要感动.还有,说不能病倒那一封也是. 教我从chowkit搭巴士回家的也是你…谢谢咯.

咦,今天是毛的生日..十一点多的时候,打了电话给她..跟她说要睡了,结果现在要接近一点了都还没睡. 生日快乐啦! 今天接到my love的电话.她在neway唱着歌,哈,打来就是为了要给我听现场版的真命天子…凯,真的好好好好听哦!!!!!!!!!!还有上次那个眼泪成诗. 一级棒!

突然间,想起公公婆婆. 他们在我小时候对我的照顾,我不会忘记. 谢谢婆婆把我带回家乡,让我过了五年淳朴的乡村生活.无忧无虑自由自在. 现在要都没有了. 还有表弟,陪我从小玩到大,却在我最需要的时候离开了我…什么意思啊? 还记得那时候我哭了很久,很久很久…最后一面也见不到你…每次听到”害怕”时都想起你..”还是害怕夜深人静时总想起你”

算了不写了..明天还要考红楼梦和物理.. 早点睡比较好…红考20回叻,只读了3回,算,不理了..掰!

记叙文一则

2005-09-01T06:38:00.000+01:00

昨天刚考完试,但一点都没有考完试的feel.....德发讲他很久没唱歌,要去rb. 我原本很不想出去,因为哮喘发作,可能因为在中国喝了啤酒的关系....哈.. 哎,算了,最后还是陪他出去,看在他跪下来求我的份上...

考完了那个nitrogen cycle, 就和karmen, defa, pinky n mic去rb. 出去途中还看到梁国芬, 真的是给她gek4 dao 无话可说..再加上她那把可以和蕙彦,敏仪媲美的声音, 算了, 我还是收山比较划算....搭了德士就抵达了sgwang..这句话很废可以不用读,读了的就算了...(这句更废)到了rb, 还早, 走一下久违的sgwang. 不懂做么, 觉得跟sgwang很亲近

唱完歌后,德发带我到一个世外桃源... 唱歌的时候没什么特别,只是我不能唱歌,因为哮喘咯...所以,好心的德发点了一杯热milo给我.....哈哈没想到, 酱小杯的milo要RM8++......再讲回那个世外桃源,叫静思书轩..你不会想到,在繁忙的bukit bintang,会有那么宁静的书轩.....一进到去,就被它的宁静,静谧的环境吸引...不错,改次可以去那边读书....还有,那边的饮料还不错...也可以无线上网...

就酱,在那边呆到了六点半...过后,defa讲要和我一起回家.....等他的朋友喔...在这个时候,我发现他竟然以为我的生日是11月2日!!!!!!! 哼,在回家的路上一直骂他!!!! 头都臭了...我想... 到了sentul,妈妈讲要到八点才可以来载我们...那时应该7.30瓜...也不知道为什么,我跟他讲了我从来没跟任何人讲过的东西..很多很多...

过后,我得回家乡...好赶哦!!!累死人.....一天也只不过是如此,稍纵即逝.........

隔了好久.....

2005-01-07T07:10:00.000Z

哇, 离上一篇 post 的, 有一个月多了..... 好久....... 中间当然做不少事..... 一方面是懒得打字, 一方面是不想on9..... 总之, 抱歉啦, 让大家等了酱久, 毕竟周杰伦也是一年才出一次专辑...... 哈哈.....

开学了..... 但是心情是怪怪的...... 先讲31/12 那天.... 看着电视机, 一个人默默的迎接新的一年........ 没有璀璨夺目的烟火、也没有以往的热闹喧嚣, 这样的夜里笼罩着浓浓的孤独感....... 心里在呐喊着..... 身边仍然是空位....... 环绕四周, 眼睛里好空泛, 好空洞......... 只有风扇的声音倏倏倏....... 电视机里好热闹, 真的好想钻进去一起倒数....... 幸好, 桌子上的手机一直响, 送上了暖暖的祝福, 好温暖!!!!!!!!!

开学, 唉, 每个都想逃避的, 也许只是那几天吧........ 最后, 还是回到了校园..... 第一个见到的就是文旋, 发型改了.......... 哈哈.. 蛮不错的!!! 给那些" 朋友" 选了做班长!!!!!!!!!!!! 世界上哪里有酱可爱又尽责的班长的?! 你们要懂得惜福啊!!!! 接下来的几天, 无聊地度过了...... 还是那样的画面, 有些人对我说, 他们讨厌这样的画面........ 唉, 算吧, 接受吧, 只有这样了......

不想再这样下去了!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 受够了!!!!!!!!!

请相信, 雨后会有彩虹, 伤心后会是快乐, 如果感伤后还是感伤, 惆怅后还是惆怅, 请用你的微笑去寻找另一个不可能的你!!!!!!

泪汪汪......

2004-11-28T04:07:00.000Z

狗,当"人类最好的朋友"绝对称职,如果你养过狗,无需费言,自能领会.家里养过一只特殊的狗"憨黑",在我家住了12 年.虽是土狗一只,不会珠算也不会拿筷子吃饭,甚至带点傻气,但它却能触动人心! 它本非常活泼精灵,就因它太好了,我们就认为它无所不能,一回,还推它落河,表演"狗爬式"游泳.[以为它是蜡笔小新meh..haha......]忘了它当时不过是数个月大的小狗罢了!过后也没替它擦干身子,是夜又下了连场倾盆大雨!没料到它第二天就发高烧,只得带它去看兽科留医. 领回来时,就有点傻里傻气.每次,见到爸爸推摩托回家,就围在爸爸身边快乐地手舞足蹈,好像人们中了彩票一样,兴高采烈,一年跳足365天,绝不少一回! 说它傻,又好像很懂事,是我家养过的狗之中最乖巧听话的一只.其他的,你叫他们,都会扮聋子,或越叫越跑远去,除非你给他们吃的.而憨黑摇头晃脑一下,摇着大尾巴就走了过来.我出国留台后数年,回家时,它已不在了.小堂弟向我说起憨黑的事. 在它垂垂老矣,病得七荤八素起不了身时,爷爷在我家篱笆后一块空旷的草地上挖个坑,准备让它咽气后,在此归宿.然而,它好像很灵性,知道事情似的,自己挣扎的往那个坑爬去............ 好像很懂事的,不想给主人添任何麻烦!!!......

上述是摘自28/11/2004 的中国报的某篇文章.........

看完了这段文字,我的心很酸....... 已经强忍在眼中打转的泪水了,不让它掉下来,但还是不听使唤,鼻子一酸,眼泪就夺眶而出,流了出来........ 觉得这篇文章最能吸引人的地方,并不是它优美动人的文字,而是它扣人心弦的故事情节........ 超感动的.........一只可爱的狗就这样去了,而且还挣扎的往那个坑爬去.....挣扎哦,不是平静,如果真人实境的看到这幅画面,哇,淹水了.哈哈.......天啊,一只狗怎么会那么懂事啊?! 我想,当它就这样走时,养它的人一定哭得翻天覆地的.........加上,它是那么的讨人喜爱,酱听话,,,,唉,真是可惜啊~~~

又再读了一次,还是哭了......... 其实,那篇文章是介绍"再见了!可鲁" 这部电影的,但这段插叙好像比那段文字更吸引人....... 但,我很想看这部电影,毕竟在日本及台湾已经造成了轰动......... 好像很赚人热泪酱....... 而且,我又是那种眼浅的人,看这部戏一定会哭的啊~~ 那只狗超可爱的......... 是一部关于导盲犬的电影.....讲下电影内容好了...... 导盲犬可鲁小时候,短毛绒绒一团雪,天生有块"飞鸟"的胎印,外形十分讨好... 其实,可鲁执行导盲工作并不久.... 才与盲人及其家人培养出感情,盲人就病发了...盲人死后,可鲁又被送回寄养家庭安养天年....... 据作者,有几幕倒拍得挺有感情的.... 盲眼的男主人带着它去买啤酒,走回训练所,大圆盘的月亮照耀在这一人一狗身上,令人有种"相怜相惜"的感动..... 盲人尚未学习到如何去信任一只狗当它的眼睛时,倔强的走在马路中,引起大塞车,令人莞尔一笑......... 还有可鲁弥留之际,它的"寄养母亲" 说:"上到天堂时,可要报出你的名字,一只尽责的导盲犬"...这句话也是超感动的~~~呜呜呜........

好了,第一次post 就写到酱长,就此搁笔了.......